Exceprts from Anne of the Island by LM Montgomery
Chapter XX
Gilbert Speaks
Anne got herself to her room, sat down on her window seat behind the pines, and cried bitterly. She felt as if something incalculably precious had gone out of her life. It was Gilbert's friendship, of course. Oh, why must she lose it after this fashion?
"What is the matter, honey?" asked Phil, coming in through the moonlit gloom.
Anne did not answer. At that moment she wished Phil were a thousand miles away.
"I suppose you've gone and refused Gilbert Blythe. You are an idiot, Anne Shirley!"
"Do you call it idiotic to refuse to marry a man I don't love?" said Anne coldly, goaded to reply.
"You don't know love when you see it. You've tricked something out with your imagination that you think love, and you expect the real thing to look like that. There, that's the first sensible thing I've ever said in my life. I wonder how I managed it?"
"Phil," pleaded Anne, "please go away and leave me alone for a little while. My world has tumbled into pieces. I want to reconstruct it."
"Without any Gilbert in it?" said Phil, going.
A world without any Gilbert in it! Anne repeated the words drearily. Would it not be a very lonely, forlorn place? Well, it was all Gilbert's fault. He had spoiled their beautiful comradeship. She must just learn to live without it.
Chapter XXXVIII
False Dawn
When Roy had gone she sat for a long time in the pavilion, watching a white mist creeping subtly and remorselessly landward up the harbor. It was her hour of humiliation and self-contempt and shame. Their waves went over her. And yet, underneath it all, was a queer sense of recovered freedom.
She slipped into Patty's Place in the dusk and escaped to her room. But Phil was there on the window seat.
"Wait," said Anne, flushing to anticipate the scene. "Wait til you hear what I have to say. Phil, Roy asked me to marry him-and I refused."
"You -- you REFUSED him?" said Phil blankly.
"Yes."
"Anne Shirley, are you in your senses?"
"I think so," said Anne wearily. "Oh, Phil, don't scold me. You don't understand."
"I certainly don't understand. You've encouraged Roy Gardner in every way for two years -- and now you tell me you've refused him. Then you've just been flirting scandalously with him. Anne, I couldn't have believed it of YOU."
"I WASN'T flirting with him -- I honestly thought I cared up to the last minute -- and then -- well, I just knew I NEVER could marry him."
"I suppose," said Phil cruelly, "that you intended to marry him for his money, and then your better self rose up and prevented you."
"I DIDN'T. I never thought about his money. Oh, I can't explain it to you any more than I could to him."
"Well, I certainly think you have treated Roy shamefully," said Phil in exasperation. "He's handsome and clever and rich and good. What more do you want?"
"I want some one who BELONGS in my life. He doesn't. I was swept off my feet at first by his good looks and knack of paying romantic compliments; and later on I thought I MUST be in love because he was my dark-eyed ideal."
"I am bad enough for not knowing my own mind, but you are worse," said Phil.
"_I_ DO know my own mind," protested Anne. "The trouble is, my mind changes and then I have to get acquainted with it all over again."
"Well, I suppose there is no use in saying anything to you."
"There is no need, Phil. I'm in the dust. This has spoiled everything backwards. I can never think of Redmond days without recalling the humiliation of this evening. Roy despises me -- and you despise me -- and I despise myself."
"You poor darling," said Phil, melting. "Just come here and let me comfort you. I've no right to scold you. I'd have married Alec or Alonzo if I hadn't met Jo. Oh, Anne, things are so mixed-up in real life. They aren't clear-cut and trimmed off, as they are in novels."
"I hope that NO one will ever again ask me to marry him as long as I live," sobbed poor Anne, devoutly believing that she meant it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
I am Jane Bennet
I am Jane Bennet.
Jane's story is something like this: She was the pretty one. (Oh! she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld!) She fell in love with this moderately rich guy, Bingley. Only, she held back from showing too much emotion so his friends convinced him she didn't care for him and he moved back to London. (And then later he came back and they lived happily ever after.)
I've always thought that of any Pride & Prejudice character I'd be spunky Elizabeth or maybe even flighty Lydia. And I can't help but notice my similarities to plain Charlotte, who as an old maid at 27 was becoming a burden to her parents.
But shy, reserved Jane? Never would have thought that was me. Turns out I was wrong.
I have this friend. She is amazingly raw and open on her blog. Sometimes I aspire for my blog to be like that, but I just don't know if I can manage that much openness.
I hold back. Sometimes to a fault, I've been told.
If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark....There are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels.
It's easier that way, not telling people how I feel. Letting them think they know everything, when they really only see ten percent of the iceberg.
Lately, however, my blog posts (and my emotions) have been more raw. More open. More honest. I suppose I feel I might as well because there's nothing to lose by being honest. Right?
I've been mentally composing this post for a month and a half, ever since I realized how thoroughly I hold back, and the negative effects it may or may not have on my life. Since then, however, my circumstances have changed some. I didn't think I held back anymore.
But I do. Of course I do.
There are different ways to hold back, different things I don't say to so many different people:
Hey, I kinda like you.
I've loved you silently for a long, long time.
I'm terrified.
I respect you but have no desire to be anything like you.
I changed my mind. Again. And I can't promise it won't change back tomorrow.
This is all new and different to me.
Are you ever going to talk to me, odd headphone-wearing coworker, or just walk by my desk 50 times a day?
It's important to keep in mind that I am being genuine. She is not acting by design. As yet, she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard, nor of its reasonableness. I don't hold back as part of some game or power struggle. Often I don't even know I'm doing it.
Until it's done and over with.
So...why? Because people pleasing is hard wired into me, I guess. I tell people what I think they want to hear. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows the real me. If I even do. And all of this holding back isn't exactly productive. I hate that sometimes those I care about most don't know until it's too late to change the course our lives have taken. I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm SCREAMING inside when I look like I'm placidly smiling and nodding.
So here I am. Jane Bennet. The one who holds back.
At least I get to be the pretty one.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Let's open the archives
November 16, 2011
This. Is. Misery.
I stood still
For the longest time
As you spun
And then I began to move
You the earth and I the moon
Neither still long enough to see, too see
Eventually you will cut me lose
Long enough
For my bloody, broken remains
To crawl to something beautiful
And this time
This time
I won't let it go
Or, perhaps I will, Maybe
I can be unpredictable, too
*****
May 28, 2011
Steel plated
This is like road rash
In the same way that childbirth is like a mild back ache
My heart hasn't been dragged through the mud
It's been tied to the bumper of your 4-wheel drive and splattered all the way up and down I-35
I need steel plates and a guard dragon
To protect it long enough to make it whole
Again
I need bumper lanes and training wheels
And a secret service detail
To save me from myself
And the worst part is how it doesn't hurt
The nerves were irreparably damaged years ago
Years ago
*****
November 24, 2007
bridge
i stood there for the longest time
pacing
over slats of wood
fingering the match in my hand
i saw the green on either side of me
and i didn't know how to get there
i just knew that i was no longer
content to stay
where i had been
the stagnant wood was not enough
i wanted something green
something alive
so finally after i could pace no more
i struck the match
watch it burn until it hit my fingertips
surprised at the pain
i dropped it
and everything lit up so quickly
the bridge went up in flames
around me
keeping me from land
the flames took everything from under me
it was too late when i realized that
i, too, would fall
tumbling end over end into the ravine
followed by the burning debris
that i created
*****
March 12, 2010
Harmony
It's a last song
Tapped out on a trumpet
A folded flag
Probably the biggest flag I've ever seen close up
It sits in a case in my mother's living room
While you rest
Under the ground
We didn't talk much about the war
If you struck out for honor or adventure
Although I never doubted that you were anything
But honorable
It was a long walk to the recruiting station
So you hitched a ride
Stood in line and they let you in despite a bad eye
You served
And lived in service
Three score and five more years
Through tragedy and anguish
Loneliness
With love and family and laughter
Deviled eggs and clam chowder
Harmonica in hand
Wit ever ready
To be remembered for generations
*****
March 16, 2010
The innocent
You don’t even know what you’re missing
You just blaze
Blissfully
Through life
A fireball of happiness
And I hope that will last
I hope
Because someday you will know
What I can’t give you myself
I don’t know how you’ll react
If you’ll miss it
Or disregard it
*****
October 25, 2005
Occasion
There's light again
New light
Except not really
The light was continual
It was I
Who for a moment
(An occasion)
Darkened my window
And told the light to go away
So the light never changed
But I did
And after writhing in the dark
I realized
That I needed the light
That the window would not
Clean itself
I've come to a point now
Where the corner is clean
Enough to let in
One shaft
Of new light
The Sun gave me occasion
And rebirth
*****
February 10, 2007
William didn't Tell
Such a fine archer
With sharpest arrows
And a bow of curious workmanship
That I knew could do damage
But also struck me with awe
So that I let you come near to me
I let you practice for
A real target
Until you drew blood and tears
And I told you to put away your weapons
You nodded and you did
But that didn't stop us, did it?
I still remained within dangerous proximity
Of the tips
And you still stood with your bow flexed
Ready to fire
You were surprised when I told you how afraid I was
And again you pretended to put it all away
But your actions changed my mind
Melted my fear
Even to the point of me standing
Against the wall
With an apple on my head
Asking you to shoot because I knew
It wouldn't hurt
It wouldn't hurt me
Your aim was true, and you pulled the bow back
It was only after you released
That I realized you'd lowered your hand at the last moment
And I knew what part of me you intended to pierce
As the shaft cut through my heart
*****
March 11, 2007
spontaneous combustion
i was trying to compose a poem using logic
but that won't work, will it?
because this isn't about logic
this is about laughter and friendship
and souls
and smiles. this is certainly about smiles
but mostly this is about me realizing me
and taking her advice for the first time
(how much she's wanted that for 23 years)
and this is me knowing that it's okay to use logic
it's okay to think things through
whereas before i would mostly just spontaneously combust
and that hurt -- that hurt a lot
to the point that time is still working to heal me
and this is about compassion
because those weren't your wounds to dress
but you did it anyway.
perhaps on accident
but you did it anyway
*****
August 10, 2009
penultimate
i inflicted the first damage
not that i didn't have help
i ran
headfirst
into that brick wall
over
and over again
i grew tired of pain
came to see you
you brought others
and an axe you called a band-aid
the judge swung down
leaving a single tendon
still intact in my neck
so that healing would be slow, methodical
and if i came near one more time
you'd finish the job
and for a moment i would spring to life
then die forever
*****March 20, 2007
nehalem bay
she stood by the ocean
people drown in the ocean
she started to dip in a toe but then backed away
stepping back once, twice, four timesother people survive the oceans
they discover new things, new places of being
so she reconsidered
and stepped forward
again
her ankles were wet
and there was so much more out there
but she stood still, letting her toes dig in the sand
those waves are bigger than i am
a step back
but she kept the water still running across the tops of her feet
the ocean is bigger than anything else i've fallen into
her face turned, but her feet did not movedi've been sucked in by rivers
panicked
her eyes closed and her face turned back
she put one foot behind her just enough to get a running start
and then rushed forward until the water hit
her at the waist
and then she jumped
falling into the waves
and when the water went up over her head
this time
she didn't panic
but instead simply felt each molecule of water embrace her skin
and when she surfaced she took another breathi almost drowned before
in something shallower
but still she kicked into the water
knowing that if she drowned, she drowned
but she probably wouldn't
*****
December 17, 2004
Skin
I wanted a notion
A way to express
This explosion
That I suspect is only a spark
Making me brighter than
I have ever been
Ever been
I float inside
And I fall
To only know
You were walking from my door
And a thought of me is
Inside that head
Never before have I
So needed my skin
To keep me
To keep me inside it
A nuclear reaction
From skin
On skin
Fingerprints melding
To become One Identity
*****
August 1, 2010
Shampoo & Cigarettes
It's my fault, really
Between the dehydration and the jumping the gun
And the part where I get mad at real you for not being more like imaginary you
I really don't know how to compromise
But I probably should learn
Hell, maybe you could teach me (Maybe you'll have to)
And it's funny how despite the bitter taste
In my mouth from how it all went down (down, down, down)
The whole night was still pretty much amazing
And you did ask
So I can't say you never do
And I can stamp my foot and cross my arms
And you just stand their with your own arms crossed and glare at me
Damn you for responding how I need and not how i want
Or have learned to expect)
It's kinda worth it, though
*****July 12, 2010
stone walled
so you found her
in a basement
dirty, naked, and chained
hand and foot to the walls of stone
she held a knife in her teeth
ridiculously beautiful even under the filth
who would dare keep such a thing
captive
you couldn't help it
you walked closer
she spit the knife at you and you just stepped over it
and there
between her teeth
was the key that you could have used
could have
used to set her free
but she just swallowed the damn thing
and laughed like a hyena
*****
June 20, 2010
dante's implosion
it's the cool burn you have to watch out for
the girl in me who laughs as i break every single thing you own
the one who acknowledges the existence of a silver lining
somewhere in the not too distant future
but can only see blackness and doesn't want to wait
doesn't want to wait
i lose control with the heat of passion
but this, this coldness
lets me control every ounce of power i have
and pour all of it into my hatred for you
yes, hatred, because that's what love becomes after rigor mortis leaves it cold and stiff
the steel out of the fire and into the water
solid enough to cut you in half
but you jump out of the way
probably
and just leave me to gouge open myself
since, after all
it's no less than i deserve
*****
May 11, 2010
phoenix/fawkes
after the flames had died away
i began to be self aware
there wasn't much left of me
and what there was felt pain
burning
everywhere
i could work with pain
so i organized it
becoming a statue of spark and ash
molded into a work of art
but it wasn't enough
i wanted it to have life
to be me again
so i built and built
became something half human, half phoenix
and just
when i was almost satisfied with the outcome
i burst into flames
again
*****
May 5, 2010
Heap
Someday, someone is going to find me in a heap
My legs bruised and bloodied
Black stream tear streaks covering my face
Too broken to stand
Too weak to keep my face dry
And whoever it is that finds me
Will probably shake their head
And think that's so typical of me
And they'd be right
They'd be right
*****
March 27, 2010
torch
he held a torch for her
through timezones and language barriers
and still he held on
she went on with her own life
and still he held on
and still he held on
the flame dimming and brightening
wishing
hoping
for a resurgence of the initial spark
and timing never was on his side
but that didn't stop him from hoping
until one day
when fate (or her minion)
brought them to the same place
at the same time
and in veiled tones
he finally made an offer
which of course she rejected because she didn't even know
didn't know
what he was asking
and he flew away
head hung low, dejected
never knowing that she would have said yes
(in a heartbeat)
if he'd just used plain english
*****
February 22, 2012
Fantine
I used to be a perpetual Roman candle of pain
Sputtering misery everywhere
Everywhere
And now, or so I've heard, I'm gushing happiness
But how long until that bleeds me dry
And I'm as dry, bitter, and brittle as ever?
How long until I shatter
Again
Wait
Enough
No more talk of darkness
And pain
This is beautiful
Enjoy it
Embrace it
I should remember my name, believe it
And stop being afraid
To fly
*****
Approx. February 2010
Carry
Carry this
He said
You aren't the only one who can
But perhaps the only one
Who should
And don't worry
Because you are strong
Enough
To carry this alone
But I'll be there
To carry this with you
I laughed
He wasn't serious
And I said it would not be so bad
I didn't know
What he left behind
Except
I did wonder, expect, mispunctuate
I told him I would
I'd carry it for him
It was already in my hands
When I supplicated for assistance
You don't need me
He said
You are storng
And it isn't much now
So I will wait
And then when you really need me
Then I will rush
To carry this with you
Days
Weeks
Winters passed
Filled with words
But never actions
It grew heavy
Heavy until my arms ached
I could not carry it
Alone
I will, he said, help you
But not today
Crushing
Drowning
Consuming me
And still he gave only words
Others saw me
Struggling to carry the world
Alone
They offered to lift my arms
Pull me up
I hesitated, then accepted
Recovery ensued
You smiled and apologized
More words
More promises
And you still haven't lifted a finger
This. Is. Misery.
I stood still
For the longest time
As you spun
And then I began to move
You the earth and I the moon
Neither still long enough to see, too see
Eventually you will cut me lose
Long enough
For my bloody, broken remains
To crawl to something beautiful
And this time
This time
I won't let it go
Or, perhaps I will, Maybe
I can be unpredictable, too
*****
May 28, 2011
Steel plated
This is like road rash
In the same way that childbirth is like a mild back ache
My heart hasn't been dragged through the mud
It's been tied to the bumper of your 4-wheel drive and splattered all the way up and down I-35
I need steel plates and a guard dragon
To protect it long enough to make it whole
Again
I need bumper lanes and training wheels
And a secret service detail
To save me from myself
And the worst part is how it doesn't hurt
The nerves were irreparably damaged years ago
Years ago
*****
November 24, 2007
bridge
i stood there for the longest time
pacing
over slats of wood
fingering the match in my hand
i saw the green on either side of me
and i didn't know how to get there
i just knew that i was no longer
content to stay
where i had been
the stagnant wood was not enough
i wanted something green
something alive
so finally after i could pace no more
i struck the match
watch it burn until it hit my fingertips
surprised at the pain
i dropped it
and everything lit up so quickly
the bridge went up in flames
around me
keeping me from land
the flames took everything from under me
it was too late when i realized that
i, too, would fall
tumbling end over end into the ravine
followed by the burning debris
that i created
*****
March 12, 2010
Harmony
It's a last song
Tapped out on a trumpet
A folded flag
Probably the biggest flag I've ever seen close up
It sits in a case in my mother's living room
While you rest
Under the ground
We didn't talk much about the war
If you struck out for honor or adventure
Although I never doubted that you were anything
But honorable
It was a long walk to the recruiting station
So you hitched a ride
Stood in line and they let you in despite a bad eye
You served
And lived in service
Three score and five more years
Through tragedy and anguish
Loneliness
With love and family and laughter
Deviled eggs and clam chowder
Harmonica in hand
Wit ever ready
To be remembered for generations
*****
March 16, 2010
The innocent
You don’t even know what you’re missing
You just blaze
Blissfully
Through life
A fireball of happiness
And I hope that will last
I hope
Because someday you will know
What I can’t give you myself
I don’t know how you’ll react
If you’ll miss it
Or disregard it
*****
October 25, 2005
Occasion
There's light again
New light
Except not really
The light was continual
It was I
Who for a moment
(An occasion)
Darkened my window
And told the light to go away
So the light never changed
But I did
And after writhing in the dark
I realized
That I needed the light
That the window would not
Clean itself
I've come to a point now
Where the corner is clean
Enough to let in
One shaft
Of new light
The Sun gave me occasion
And rebirth
*****
February 10, 2007
William didn't Tell
Such a fine archer
With sharpest arrows
And a bow of curious workmanship
That I knew could do damage
But also struck me with awe
So that I let you come near to me
I let you practice for
A real target
Until you drew blood and tears
And I told you to put away your weapons
You nodded and you did
But that didn't stop us, did it?
I still remained within dangerous proximity
Of the tips
And you still stood with your bow flexed
Ready to fire
You were surprised when I told you how afraid I was
And again you pretended to put it all away
But your actions changed my mind
Melted my fear
Even to the point of me standing
Against the wall
With an apple on my head
Asking you to shoot because I knew
It wouldn't hurt
It wouldn't hurt me
Your aim was true, and you pulled the bow back
It was only after you released
That I realized you'd lowered your hand at the last moment
And I knew what part of me you intended to pierce
As the shaft cut through my heart
*****
March 11, 2007
spontaneous combustion
i was trying to compose a poem using logic
but that won't work, will it?
because this isn't about logic
this is about laughter and friendship
and souls
and smiles. this is certainly about smiles
but mostly this is about me realizing me
and taking her advice for the first time
(how much she's wanted that for 23 years)
and this is me knowing that it's okay to use logic
it's okay to think things through
whereas before i would mostly just spontaneously combust
and that hurt -- that hurt a lot
to the point that time is still working to heal me
and this is about compassion
because those weren't your wounds to dress
but you did it anyway.
perhaps on accident
but you did it anyway
*****
August 10, 2009
penultimate
i inflicted the first damage
not that i didn't have help
i ran
headfirst
into that brick wall
over
and over again
i grew tired of pain
came to see you
you brought others
and an axe you called a band-aid
the judge swung down
leaving a single tendon
still intact in my neck
so that healing would be slow, methodical
and if i came near one more time
you'd finish the job
and for a moment i would spring to life
then die forever
*****March 20, 2007
nehalem bay
she stood by the ocean
people drown in the ocean
she started to dip in a toe but then backed away
stepping back once, twice, four timesother people survive the oceans
they discover new things, new places of being
so she reconsidered
and stepped forward
again
her ankles were wet
and there was so much more out there
but she stood still, letting her toes dig in the sand
those waves are bigger than i am
a step back
but she kept the water still running across the tops of her feet
the ocean is bigger than anything else i've fallen into
her face turned, but her feet did not movedi've been sucked in by rivers
panicked
her eyes closed and her face turned back
she put one foot behind her just enough to get a running start
and then rushed forward until the water hit
her at the waist
and then she jumped
falling into the waves
and when the water went up over her head
this time
she didn't panic
but instead simply felt each molecule of water embrace her skin
and when she surfaced she took another breathi almost drowned before
in something shallower
but still she kicked into the water
knowing that if she drowned, she drowned
but she probably wouldn't
*****
December 17, 2004
Skin
I wanted a notion
A way to express
This explosion
That I suspect is only a spark
Making me brighter than
I have ever been
Ever been
I float inside
And I fall
To only know
You were walking from my door
And a thought of me is
Inside that head
Never before have I
So needed my skin
To keep me
To keep me inside it
A nuclear reaction
From skin
On skin
Fingerprints melding
To become One Identity
*****
August 1, 2010
Shampoo & Cigarettes
It's my fault, really
Between the dehydration and the jumping the gun
And the part where I get mad at real you for not being more like imaginary you
I really don't know how to compromise
But I probably should learn
Hell, maybe you could teach me (Maybe you'll have to)
And it's funny how despite the bitter taste
In my mouth from how it all went down (down, down, down)
The whole night was still pretty much amazing
And you did ask
So I can't say you never do
And I can stamp my foot and cross my arms
And you just stand their with your own arms crossed and glare at me
Damn you for responding how I need and not how i want
Or have learned to expect)
It's kinda worth it, though
*****July 12, 2010
stone walled
so you found her
in a basement
dirty, naked, and chained
hand and foot to the walls of stone
she held a knife in her teeth
ridiculously beautiful even under the filth
who would dare keep such a thing
captive
you couldn't help it
you walked closer
she spit the knife at you and you just stepped over it
and there
between her teeth
was the key that you could have used
could have
used to set her free
but she just swallowed the damn thing
and laughed like a hyena
*****
June 20, 2010
dante's implosion
it's the cool burn you have to watch out for
the girl in me who laughs as i break every single thing you own
the one who acknowledges the existence of a silver lining
somewhere in the not too distant future
but can only see blackness and doesn't want to wait
doesn't want to wait
i lose control with the heat of passion
but this, this coldness
lets me control every ounce of power i have
and pour all of it into my hatred for you
yes, hatred, because that's what love becomes after rigor mortis leaves it cold and stiff
the steel out of the fire and into the water
solid enough to cut you in half
but you jump out of the way
probably
and just leave me to gouge open myself
since, after all
it's no less than i deserve
*****
May 11, 2010
phoenix/fawkes
after the flames had died away
i began to be self aware
there wasn't much left of me
and what there was felt pain
burning
everywhere
i could work with pain
so i organized it
becoming a statue of spark and ash
molded into a work of art
but it wasn't enough
i wanted it to have life
to be me again
so i built and built
became something half human, half phoenix
and just
when i was almost satisfied with the outcome
i burst into flames
again
*****
May 5, 2010
Heap
Someday, someone is going to find me in a heap
My legs bruised and bloodied
Black stream tear streaks covering my face
Too broken to stand
Too weak to keep my face dry
And whoever it is that finds me
Will probably shake their head
And think that's so typical of me
And they'd be right
They'd be right
*****
March 27, 2010
torch
he held a torch for her
through timezones and language barriers
and still he held on
she went on with her own life
and still he held on
and still he held on
the flame dimming and brightening
wishing
hoping
for a resurgence of the initial spark
and timing never was on his side
but that didn't stop him from hoping
until one day
when fate (or her minion)
brought them to the same place
at the same time
and in veiled tones
he finally made an offer
which of course she rejected because she didn't even know
didn't know
what he was asking
and he flew away
head hung low, dejected
never knowing that she would have said yes
(in a heartbeat)
if he'd just used plain english
*****
February 22, 2012
Fantine
I used to be a perpetual Roman candle of pain
Sputtering misery everywhere
Everywhere
And now, or so I've heard, I'm gushing happiness
But how long until that bleeds me dry
And I'm as dry, bitter, and brittle as ever?
How long until I shatter
Again
Wait
Enough
No more talk of darkness
And pain
This is beautiful
Enjoy it
Embrace it
I should remember my name, believe it
And stop being afraid
To fly
*****
Approx. February 2010
Carry
Carry this
He said
You aren't the only one who can
But perhaps the only one
Who should
And don't worry
Because you are strong
Enough
To carry this alone
But I'll be there
To carry this with you
I laughed
He wasn't serious
And I said it would not be so bad
I didn't know
What he left behind
Except
I did wonder, expect, mispunctuate
I told him I would
I'd carry it for him
It was already in my hands
When I supplicated for assistance
You don't need me
He said
You are storng
And it isn't much now
So I will wait
And then when you really need me
Then I will rush
To carry this with you
Days
Weeks
Winters passed
Filled with words
But never actions
It grew heavy
Heavy until my arms ached
I could not carry it
Alone
I will, he said, help you
But not today
Crushing
Drowning
Consuming me
And still he gave only words
Others saw me
Struggling to carry the world
Alone
They offered to lift my arms
Pull me up
I hesitated, then accepted
Recovery ensued
You smiled and apologized
More words
More promises
And you still haven't lifted a finger
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
And I tell myself to let the story end...
Sara Bareilles, "Gonna Get Over You"
Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time
I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one
And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday
Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands
Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore
And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday
Say it's coming soon,
Someday without you,
All I can do
Is get me past the ghost of you,
Wave goodbye to me,
I won't say I'm sorry,
I'll be alright
Once I find the other side of someday
Oohoohooohoohooh...
Oohoohooohoohooh...
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday
*****
I can't help it. I sincerely love this song. And the video...oh the video. I think my favorite part is 3:25 when the confetti starts flying.
Oh, who am I kidding? I love the whole damn thing!
And I will, I will be alright. Maybe not tonight.
But someday.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Chivalry is dead. Really, really dead.
When two girls like the same guy, the result is something like this:
I know this from personal experience. Freshman year in college, my roommate Amy and I discoverd that we both had a crush on the same guy. She beat me with her jacket. And then I dated him. Why? Because she would have done the same. (Anyway, after two weeks I never heard from him again and it turned out he just dated me because he had a bet going with his neighbors that he could date a freshman, so you could say I saved her some pain and embarassment.)
But what would happen if two guys were in the same situation? Probably something like this:
Guy 1: I'm totally cool with you dating my ex.
Guy 2: Wait, really? Okay!
Guy 1: What? Of course not. I mean, how can I be? This sucks.
Guy 2: It was insensitive of me to assume this would be alright. I'll bow out now
Guy 1: No, no. I insist. I'll bow out.
Guy 2: Cool! I win.
Girl: It's so convenient when the menfolk make all the hard decisions for me, like it's 1847 and I don't yet have the right to vote.
Okay. What?
No really, WHAT?!? Why all this bowing out? I. Don't. Get. It. What happened to chivalrous knights duking it out with jousting tournaments? Or cavemen...doing...whatever cavemen did to show they were masculinely superior? I mean,
SHOULDN'T THERE AT LEAST BE A FIST FIGHT?!?!?
And if that hypothetical situation listed above, which is in no way related to my current life circumstances, was a romantic comedy starring Emma Stone, Henry Cavill, and Seth Rogan, now would be the part where Emma looks Henry and Seth both in the eye and says:
Seriously? Forget this. I'm running off with James Marsters now.
Right after I battle Megan Fox.
*sigh* Or...maybe not. MaybeI can Emma would figure out what my her heart really wants, and go forward with that decision.
I know this from personal experience. Freshman year in college, my roommate Amy and I discoverd that we both had a crush on the same guy. She beat me with her jacket. And then I dated him. Why? Because she would have done the same. (Anyway, after two weeks I never heard from him again and it turned out he just dated me because he had a bet going with his neighbors that he could date a freshman, so you could say I saved her some pain and embarassment.)
But what would happen if two guys were in the same situation? Probably something like this:
Guy 1: I'm totally cool with you dating my ex.
Guy 2: Wait, really? Okay!
Guy 1: What? Of course not. I mean, how can I be? This sucks.
Guy 2: It was insensitive of me to assume this would be alright. I'll bow out now
Guy 1: No, no. I insist. I'll bow out.
Guy 2: Cool! I win.
Girl: It's so convenient when the menfolk make all the hard decisions for me, like it's 1847 and I don't yet have the right to vote.
Okay. What?
No really, WHAT?!? Why all this bowing out? I. Don't. Get. It. What happened to chivalrous knights duking it out with jousting tournaments? Or cavemen...doing...whatever cavemen did to show they were masculinely superior? I mean,
SHOULDN'T THERE AT LEAST BE A FIST FIGHT?!?!?
And if that hypothetical situation listed above, which is in no way related to my current life circumstances, was a romantic comedy starring Emma Stone, Henry Cavill, and Seth Rogan, now would be the part where Emma looks Henry and Seth both in the eye and says:
Seriously? Forget this. I'm running off with James Marsters now.
Right after I battle Megan Fox.
*sigh* Or...maybe not. Maybe
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The best four dates I've ever been on
In honor of a certain upcoming pseudo-holiday, I decided to blog about the best four dates I've ever been on. Elsewhere on the internet, someone asked what my best date ever was. These four came to mind. Interestingly enough, all four were first dates. All four led to steady relationships.
So let's get started.
May 4, 2002. My senior prom. This date is actually the only one where I asked him. We went ice skating before the dance, which was my second ice skating experience ever. I'm not exactly coordinated, so, well, I'm sure he was well entertained. Then I went back home and changed into my pretty dress and waited for him to pick me up. And...waited. And waited. My mom jokingly asked me if I'd scared him off during the ice skating. I'd thought we'd had fun! Turns out he'd had car problems. He showed up, my mom took pictures, and we were off...to my friend's house...for more pictures. We had dinner at El Gallo Giro, this randomly amazing Mexican place in Kuna. During dinner my friend Tracy mentioned that my birthday happened to be the next week. (Remember that part. It's important.)
And then the dance. I'd spent most of my growing up years putting high school dances on a giant pedestal. I wanted more than anything to have a romantic prom or homecoming or winter formal. The years passed and I was finally old enough to go! But nobody asked me. Sophomore year passed. Junior year passed. No dances. Senior year came; I actually did get asked to homecoming about two days before the dance by a good friend, and we did have fun, but it was clearly a last-minute hey-my-date-cancelled-so-you-wanna-go-or-what? moment. So when senior prom came around, I was determined to go.
Despite all of that, I actually don't remember that much about the dance itself. There was some No Doubt played. For some reason (student council, probably?) my little brother had to help serve the punch. One of my friends wore tennis shoes under her big poofy formal and halfway through the night my achy feet were jealous. It was...a high school dance. Oh, also, the theme for the prom was Stairway to Heaven. The ironic part? My mom's senior prom (Capitol High 1980) was also Stairway to Heaven.
But it's after the dance that I remember better. The friends that I came with went back to someone's house for ice cream. My date had a better idea. We drove across town (Nampa). For some reason he decided at the last minute to do a left hand turn from the far right lane. Right in front of a cop. Red and blue lights flashed. He got off with a warning. And then behind the Target (I think it was Target, anyway) in Nampa my date hooked up his mp3 player (note: this was 2002 and only about 7 people on the planet had mp3 players) to his giant DJ speakers and we had our own dance. It. Was. Epic.
Oh, and remember how I said it was important to remember that my friend told him about my birthday? The following Wednesday he showed up--unannounced--at my house with a mix CD and a rose. We lived an hour away from each other. Don't worry; my mom fed him dinner.
April 8ish, 2006. This is the only one that I don't remember the exact calendar date. It could have been the 7th, 8th, 14th, or 15th. All I remember is that it was April and that there was a dance that night. We didn't go to the dance. He picked me up at my apartment and we walked to this hole-in-the-wall authentic Mexican place in Rexburg called Ramire's. This place cracks me up. It's been years, so I don't know if it even still exists or what, but at the time the walls were cracked and none of the tables matched. And the food was good. We got giant burritos and horchata and ate and laughed and talked.
Then we walked back to BYU-Idaho campus (he was a student; I was not) and went to a live comedy show. Guys, if you want to impress me, take me to a live comedy show. Preferably one that is actually funny. This one was. I wish I could remember the name of the group, but I don't. It was an improv group made of local students; like SNL for twenty-something Mormons who are obsessed with getting married because that's the only way they're gonna get...to stay out past midnight.
And then we walked to Coldstone. There's lots of walking in this story. He didn't have a car. Which isn't a big deal in Rexburg, although by this time it was dark and kinda cold and Coldstone was a bit of a walk. No big deal. We had fun with it. We talked about life and roommates and mutual friends (that's you, Mallory) and previous dates. We found out that both of our previous favorite first dates ended up with a dance behind a building. On the way back to my apartment from Coldstone we stopped at a place that I later referred to as the Corner of Blue, Green, and Tan. Blue for this GIANT blue house (that I actually lived in about five months later), green for Millhollow frozen yogurt, and tan for the ROC--this call center that I never worked at but heard horror stories about. On the fourth corner of this intersection was a construction site. He walked me over to the construction site and pulled out his iPod. We each took an earbud and danced to Stability by Death Cab for Cutie. He kissed me. It was the beginning of a magical...roller coaster of emotional craziness.
February 14, 2007. This date was probably the simplest of the four, but it made an impression. The Coldstone Roller Coaster guy had just broken up with me for about the sixth (and final) time. I was still hurting when I met someone else. We'd actually known of each other for years due to mutual friends, and had even talked on the phone once, but we met in person about a week before Valentine's. We did end up dating pretty seriously, which didn't work out in the end (read: I cruelly shattered his heart into a million pieces), but there was an instant spark the day we met. I have pictures of that day and it still strikes me how happy we both looked. Like I'd mentioned, I was still hurting, but the day I'd met him was the first time in weeks that I'd felt truly happy.
Anyway, neither of us had plans for Valentine's so he asked me out. We ate dinner at this restaurant that I'm pretty sure no longer exists called Heart, Mind, and Soul. (One time I saw David Archuleta there.) They had old episodes of Growing Pains projected on the wall across from our table. I *think* it was an episode where Carol got stood up for a dance but a) there was no sound and b) it's been 5 years. I don't remember what we ate. I was too busy laughing like I'd never laughed before.
They had live entertainment at the restaurant, but we couldn't see from our table, so after we finished eating we went over by the stage and shared a bean bag chair. We had fancy non-alcoholic drinks and watched an amusingly not funny comedian and decent live jazz. We stayed there talking on the bean bag chair after the music was over. It was almost midnight and I think the restaurant staff wanted us out of there so they could go home.
Eventually we did leave. He dropped me off at my door and asked when he could see me again. Guys, those words are gold. Well, those words are gold if the girl is at least somewhat interested in you. Otherwise those words are somewhat creepy and awkward. In this case, though, gold.
July 9, 2011. I want to say that this one takes that cake, but maybe it's just because I'm not over him yet. Or maybe it's just because of the sheer volume of new and fun things I got to do that night. Or maybe it was the scorpion. Regardless, it was pretty dang awesome.
We met at Boondocks...oops, I mean Wahooz...in Meridian. We mini golfed and talked about concerts we'd been to, places we'd lived, and music we liked. We cheated at the rules of mini golf, or at least I did.
Then it was off to dinner in downtown Boise. I don't remember the name of the place, but it was Spanish/Mexican food and I'm fairly certain there was a cow skull replica on the door. The waitress recommended the green sauce over the red sauce, and she was right about that.
Then we walked over to the Record Exchange, where we talked about indie music and he told me about how his kids like to sing karaoke. We listened to CDs and looked at movie covers. On the walk there we stumbled across a parade of classic cars. I mentioned how much my son likes cars.
Next it was off to north Boise and this really awesome candy shop. I was like a kid in a candy store. No, really. I was. We got bottles of pop to take with us up to Tablerock. He bought me a scorpion sucker. We watched the sunset on Tablerock. We drove most of the way up because it would have taken too long to hike. I told him he looked like Adam Levine.
And that's how it happened.
So let's get started.
May 4, 2002. My senior prom. This date is actually the only one where I asked him. We went ice skating before the dance, which was my second ice skating experience ever. I'm not exactly coordinated, so, well, I'm sure he was well entertained. Then I went back home and changed into my pretty dress and waited for him to pick me up. And...waited. And waited. My mom jokingly asked me if I'd scared him off during the ice skating. I'd thought we'd had fun! Turns out he'd had car problems. He showed up, my mom took pictures, and we were off...to my friend's house...for more pictures. We had dinner at El Gallo Giro, this randomly amazing Mexican place in Kuna. During dinner my friend Tracy mentioned that my birthday happened to be the next week. (Remember that part. It's important.)
And then the dance. I'd spent most of my growing up years putting high school dances on a giant pedestal. I wanted more than anything to have a romantic prom or homecoming or winter formal. The years passed and I was finally old enough to go! But nobody asked me. Sophomore year passed. Junior year passed. No dances. Senior year came; I actually did get asked to homecoming about two days before the dance by a good friend, and we did have fun, but it was clearly a last-minute hey-my-date-cancelled-so-you-wanna-go-or-what? moment. So when senior prom came around, I was determined to go.
Despite all of that, I actually don't remember that much about the dance itself. There was some No Doubt played. For some reason (student council, probably?) my little brother had to help serve the punch. One of my friends wore tennis shoes under her big poofy formal and halfway through the night my achy feet were jealous. It was...a high school dance. Oh, also, the theme for the prom was Stairway to Heaven. The ironic part? My mom's senior prom (Capitol High 1980) was also Stairway to Heaven.
But it's after the dance that I remember better. The friends that I came with went back to someone's house for ice cream. My date had a better idea. We drove across town (Nampa). For some reason he decided at the last minute to do a left hand turn from the far right lane. Right in front of a cop. Red and blue lights flashed. He got off with a warning. And then behind the Target (I think it was Target, anyway) in Nampa my date hooked up his mp3 player (note: this was 2002 and only about 7 people on the planet had mp3 players) to his giant DJ speakers and we had our own dance. It. Was. Epic.
Oh, and remember how I said it was important to remember that my friend told him about my birthday? The following Wednesday he showed up--unannounced--at my house with a mix CD and a rose. We lived an hour away from each other. Don't worry; my mom fed him dinner.
April 8ish, 2006. This is the only one that I don't remember the exact calendar date. It could have been the 7th, 8th, 14th, or 15th. All I remember is that it was April and that there was a dance that night. We didn't go to the dance. He picked me up at my apartment and we walked to this hole-in-the-wall authentic Mexican place in Rexburg called Ramire's. This place cracks me up. It's been years, so I don't know if it even still exists or what, but at the time the walls were cracked and none of the tables matched. And the food was good. We got giant burritos and horchata and ate and laughed and talked.
Then we walked back to BYU-Idaho campus (he was a student; I was not) and went to a live comedy show. Guys, if you want to impress me, take me to a live comedy show. Preferably one that is actually funny. This one was. I wish I could remember the name of the group, but I don't. It was an improv group made of local students; like SNL for twenty-something Mormons who are obsessed with getting married because that's the only way they're gonna get...to stay out past midnight.
And then we walked to Coldstone. There's lots of walking in this story. He didn't have a car. Which isn't a big deal in Rexburg, although by this time it was dark and kinda cold and Coldstone was a bit of a walk. No big deal. We had fun with it. We talked about life and roommates and mutual friends (that's you, Mallory) and previous dates. We found out that both of our previous favorite first dates ended up with a dance behind a building. On the way back to my apartment from Coldstone we stopped at a place that I later referred to as the Corner of Blue, Green, and Tan. Blue for this GIANT blue house (that I actually lived in about five months later), green for Millhollow frozen yogurt, and tan for the ROC--this call center that I never worked at but heard horror stories about. On the fourth corner of this intersection was a construction site. He walked me over to the construction site and pulled out his iPod. We each took an earbud and danced to Stability by Death Cab for Cutie. He kissed me. It was the beginning of a magical...roller coaster of emotional craziness.
February 14, 2007. This date was probably the simplest of the four, but it made an impression. The Coldstone Roller Coaster guy had just broken up with me for about the sixth (and final) time. I was still hurting when I met someone else. We'd actually known of each other for years due to mutual friends, and had even talked on the phone once, but we met in person about a week before Valentine's. We did end up dating pretty seriously, which didn't work out in the end (read: I cruelly shattered his heart into a million pieces), but there was an instant spark the day we met. I have pictures of that day and it still strikes me how happy we both looked. Like I'd mentioned, I was still hurting, but the day I'd met him was the first time in weeks that I'd felt truly happy.
Anyway, neither of us had plans for Valentine's so he asked me out. We ate dinner at this restaurant that I'm pretty sure no longer exists called Heart, Mind, and Soul. (One time I saw David Archuleta there.) They had old episodes of Growing Pains projected on the wall across from our table. I *think* it was an episode where Carol got stood up for a dance but a) there was no sound and b) it's been 5 years. I don't remember what we ate. I was too busy laughing like I'd never laughed before.
They had live entertainment at the restaurant, but we couldn't see from our table, so after we finished eating we went over by the stage and shared a bean bag chair. We had fancy non-alcoholic drinks and watched an amusingly not funny comedian and decent live jazz. We stayed there talking on the bean bag chair after the music was over. It was almost midnight and I think the restaurant staff wanted us out of there so they could go home.
Eventually we did leave. He dropped me off at my door and asked when he could see me again. Guys, those words are gold. Well, those words are gold if the girl is at least somewhat interested in you. Otherwise those words are somewhat creepy and awkward. In this case, though, gold.
July 9, 2011. I want to say that this one takes that cake, but maybe it's just because I'm not over him yet. Or maybe it's just because of the sheer volume of new and fun things I got to do that night. Or maybe it was the scorpion. Regardless, it was pretty dang awesome.
We met at Boondocks...oops, I mean Wahooz...in Meridian. We mini golfed and talked about concerts we'd been to, places we'd lived, and music we liked. We cheated at the rules of mini golf, or at least I did.
Then it was off to dinner in downtown Boise. I don't remember the name of the place, but it was Spanish/Mexican food and I'm fairly certain there was a cow skull replica on the door. The waitress recommended the green sauce over the red sauce, and she was right about that.
Then we walked over to the Record Exchange, where we talked about indie music and he told me about how his kids like to sing karaoke. We listened to CDs and looked at movie covers. On the walk there we stumbled across a parade of classic cars. I mentioned how much my son likes cars.
Next it was off to north Boise and this really awesome candy shop. I was like a kid in a candy store. No, really. I was. We got bottles of pop to take with us up to Tablerock. He bought me a scorpion sucker. We watched the sunset on Tablerock. We drove most of the way up because it would have taken too long to hike. I told him he looked like Adam Levine.
And that's how it happened.
Dear January
Wow.
You weren't holding anything back, were you?
It started off with dancing thte night away. In 4-inch heels. My toes were numb by the end of the night, but my legs looked great. See?
When we got to part 3 in the ongoing 12-part series titled Amanda Doesn't Know What She Wants to Do with Her Hair or Her Life:
January, your last couple of weeks are kinda a crazy blur. There were movies and roses and friends.
So it's been fun, January. It's been intense. We certainly had our ups and downs. It's probably good that we're about to part ways because I honestly don't know that I could handle much more of you.
See you in eleven months.
Amanda
You weren't holding anything back, were you?
It started off with dancing thte night away. In 4-inch heels. My toes were numb by the end of the night, but my legs looked great. See?
When we got to part 3 in the ongoing 12-part series titled Amanda Doesn't Know What She Wants to Do with Her Hair or Her Life:
January, your last couple of weeks are kinda a crazy blur. There were movies and roses and friends.
So it's been fun, January. It's been intense. We certainly had our ups and downs. It's probably good that we're about to part ways because I honestly don't know that I could handle much more of you.
See you in eleven months.
Amanda
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