I am Jane Bennet

Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of, and gives her a sort of distinction among her companions.

I am Jane Bennet.

Jane's story is something like this: She was the pretty one. (Oh! she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld!) She fell in love with this moderately rich guy, Bingley. Only, she held back from showing too much emotion so his friends convinced him she didn't care for him and he moved back to London. (And then later he came back and they lived happily ever after.)

I've always thought that of any Pride & Prejudice character I'd be spunky Elizabeth or maybe even flighty Lydia. And I can't help but notice my similarities to plain Charlotte, who as an old maid at 27 was becoming a burden to her parents.

But shy, reserved Jane? Never would have thought that was me. Turns out I was wrong.

I have this friend. She is amazingly raw and open on her blog. Sometimes I aspire for my blog to be like that, but I just don't know if I can manage that much openness.

I hold back. Sometimes to a fault, I've been told.

If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark....There are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels.

It's easier that way, not telling people how I feel. Letting them think they know everything, when they really only see ten percent of the iceberg.

Lately, however, my blog posts (and my emotions) have been more raw. More open. More honest. I suppose I feel I might as well because there's nothing to lose by being honest. Right?

I've been mentally composing this post for a month and a half, ever since I realized how thoroughly I hold back, and the negative effects it may or may not have on my life. Since then, however, my circumstances have changed some. I didn't think I held back anymore.

But I do. Of course I do.

There are different ways to hold back, different things I don't say to so many different people:

Hey, I kinda like you.

I've loved you silently for a long, long time.

I'm terrified.

I respect you but have no desire to be anything like you.

I changed my mind. Again. And I can't promise it won't change back tomorrow.

This is all new and different to me.

Are you ever going to talk to me, odd headphone-wearing coworker, or just walk by my desk 50 times a day?

It's important to keep in mind that I am being genuine. She is not acting by design. As yet, she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard, nor of its reasonableness. I don't hold back as part of some game or power struggle. Often I don't even know I'm doing it.

Until it's done and over with.

So...why? Because people pleasing is hard wired into me, I guess. I tell people what I think they want to hear. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows the real me. If I even do. And all of this holding back isn't exactly productive. I hate that sometimes those I care about most don't know until it's too late to change the course our lives have taken. I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm SCREAMING inside when I look like I'm placidly smiling and nodding.

So here I am. Jane Bennet. The one who holds back.

At least I get to be the pretty one.

Let's open the archives

November 16, 2011
This. Is. Misery.


I stood still
For the longest time
As you spun
And then I began to move
You the earth and I the moon
Neither still long enough to see, too see
Eventually you will cut me lose
Long enough
For my bloody, broken remains
To crawl to something beautiful
And this time
This time
I won't let it go
Or, perhaps I will, Maybe
I can be unpredictable, too


*****


May 28, 2011
Steel plated


This is like road rash
In the same way that childbirth is like a mild back ache
My heart hasn't been dragged through the mud
It's been tied to the bumper of your 4-wheel drive and splattered all the way up and down I-35
I need steel plates and a guard dragon
To protect it long enough to make it whole
Again
I need bumper lanes and training wheels
And a secret service detail
To save me from myself
And the worst part is how it doesn't hurt
The nerves were irreparably damaged years ago
Years ago


*****


November 24, 2007
bridge


i stood there for the longest time
pacing
over slats of wood
fingering the match in my hand
i saw the green on either side of me
and i didn't know how to get there
i just knew that i was no longer
content to stay
where i had been
the stagnant wood was not enough
i wanted something green
something alive
so finally after i could pace no more
i struck the match
watch it burn until it hit my fingertips
surprised at the pain
i dropped it
and everything lit up so quickly
the bridge went up in flames
around me
keeping me from land
the flames took everything from under me
it was too late when i realized that
i, too, would fall
tumbling end over end into the ravine
followed by the burning debris
that i created


*****


March 12, 2010
Harmony


It's a last song
Tapped out on a trumpet
A folded flag
Probably the biggest flag I've ever seen close up
It sits in a case in my mother's living room
While you rest
Under the ground
We didn't talk much about the war
If you struck out for honor or adventure
Although I never doubted that you were anything
But honorable
It was a long walk to the recruiting station
So you hitched a ride
Stood in line and they let you in despite a bad eye
You served
And lived in service
Three score and five more years
Through tragedy and anguish
Loneliness
With love and family and laughter
Deviled eggs and clam chowder
Harmonica in hand
Wit ever ready
To be remembered for generations


*****


March 16, 2010
The innocent


You don’t even know what you’re missing
You just blaze
Blissfully
Through life
A fireball of happiness
And I hope that will last
I hope
Because someday you will know
What I can’t give you myself
I don’t know how you’ll react
If you’ll miss it
Or disregard it


*****


October 25, 2005
Occasion

There's light again
New light
Except not really
The light was continual
It was I
Who for a moment
(An occasion)
Darkened my window
And told the light to go away
So the light never changed
But I did
And after writhing in the dark
I realized
That I needed the light
That the window would not
Clean itself
I've come to a point now
Where the corner is clean
Enough to let in
One shaft
Of new light
The Sun gave me occasion
And rebirth

*****


February 10, 2007
William didn't Tell

Such a fine archer
With sharpest arrows
And a bow of curious workmanship
That I knew could do damage
But also struck me with awe
So that I let you come near to me
I let you practice for
A real target
Until you drew blood and tears
And I told you to put away your weapons
You nodded and you did
But that didn't stop us, did it?
I still remained within dangerous proximity
Of the tips
And you still stood with your bow flexed
Ready to fire
You were surprised when I told you how afraid I was
And again you pretended to put it all away
But your actions changed my mind
Melted my fear
Even to the point of me standing
Against the wall
With an apple on my head
Asking you to shoot because I knew
It wouldn't hurt
It wouldn't hurt me
Your aim was true, and you pulled the bow back
It was only after you released
That I realized you'd lowered your hand at the last moment
And I knew what part of me you intended to pierce
As the shaft cut through my heart

*****


March 11, 2007
spontaneous combustion

i was trying to compose a poem using logic
but that won't work, will it?
because this isn't about logic
this is about laughter and friendship
and souls
and smiles. this is certainly about smiles
but mostly this is about me realizing me
and taking her advice for the first time
(how much she's wanted that for 23 years)
and this is me knowing that it's okay to use logic
it's okay to think things through
whereas before i would mostly just spontaneously combust
and that hurt -- that hurt a lot
to the point that time is still working to heal me
and this is about compassion
because those weren't your wounds to dress
but you did it anyway.
perhaps on accident
but you did it anyway


*****


August 10, 2009
penultimate

i inflicted the first damage
not that i didn't have help
i ran
headfirst
into that brick wall
over
and over again
i grew tired of pain
came to see you
you brought others
and an axe you called a band-aid
the judge swung down
leaving a single tendon
still intact in my neck
so that healing would be slow, methodical
and if i came near one more time
you'd finish the job
and for a moment i would spring to life
then die forever
*****March 20, 2007
nehalem bay

she stood by the ocean
people drown in the ocean
she started to dip in a toe but then backed away
stepping back once, twice, four timesother people survive the oceans
they discover new things, new places of being
so she reconsidered
and stepped forward
again
her ankles were wet
and there was so much more out there
but she stood still, letting her toes dig in the sand
those waves are bigger than i am
a step back
but she kept the water still running across the tops of her feet
the ocean is bigger than anything else i've fallen into
her face turned, but her feet did not movedi've been sucked in by rivers
panicked
her eyes closed and her face turned back
she put one foot behind her just enough to get a running start
and then rushed forward until the water hit
her at the waist
and then she jumped
falling into the waves
and when the water went up over her head
this time
she didn't panic
but instead simply felt each molecule of water embrace her skin
and when she surfaced she took another breathi almost drowned before
in something shallower
but still she kicked into the water
knowing that if she drowned, she drowned
but she probably wouldn't


*****


December 17, 2004
Skin

I wanted a notion
A way to express
This explosion
That I suspect is only a spark
Making me brighter than
I have ever been
Ever been

I float inside
And I fall
To only know
You were walking from my door
And a thought of me is
Inside that head

Never before have I
So needed my skin
To keep me
To keep me inside it
A nuclear reaction
From skin
On skin
Fingerprints melding
To become One Identity


*****


August 1, 2010
Shampoo & Cigarettes


It's my fault, really
Between the dehydration and the jumping the gun
And the part where I get mad at real you for not being more like imaginary you
I really don't know how to compromise
But I probably should learn
Hell, maybe you could teach me (Maybe you'll have to)
And it's funny how despite the bitter taste
In my mouth from how it all went down (down, down, down)
The whole night was still pretty much amazing
And you did ask
So I can't say you never do
And I can stamp my foot and cross my arms
And you just stand their with your own arms crossed and glare at me
Damn you for responding how I need and not how i want
Or have learned to expect)
It's kinda worth it, though
*****July 12, 2010
stone walled

so you found her
in a basement
dirty, naked, and chained
hand and foot to the walls of stone
she held a knife in her teeth
ridiculously beautiful even under the filth
who would dare keep such a thing
captive
you couldn't help it
you walked closer
she spit the knife at you and you just stepped over it
and there
between her teeth
was the key that you could have used
could have
used to set her free
but she just swallowed the damn thing
and laughed like a hyena

*****


June 20, 2010
dante's implosion


it's the cool burn you have to watch out for
the girl in me who laughs as i break every single thing you own
the one who acknowledges the existence of a silver lining
somewhere in the not too distant future
but can only see blackness and doesn't want to wait
doesn't want to wait
i lose control with the heat of passion
but this, this coldness
lets me control every ounce of power i have
and pour all of it into my hatred for you
yes, hatred, because that's what love becomes after rigor mortis leaves it cold and stiff
the steel out of the fire and into the water
solid enough to cut you in half
but you jump out of the way
probably
and just leave me to gouge open myself
since, after all
it's no less than i deserve


*****


May 11, 2010
phoenix/fawkes


after the flames had died away
i began to be self aware
there wasn't much left of me
and what there was felt pain
burning
everywhere
i could work with pain
so i organized it
becoming a statue of spark and ash
molded into a work of art
but it wasn't enough
i wanted it to have life
to be me again
so i built and built
became something half human, half phoenix
and just
when i was almost satisfied with the outcome
i burst into flames
again


*****


May 5, 2010
Heap


Someday, someone is going to find me in a heap
My legs bruised and bloodied
Black stream tear streaks covering my face
Too broken to stand
Too weak to keep my face dry
And whoever it is that finds me
Will probably shake their head
And think that's so typical of me
And they'd be right
They'd be right


*****


March 27, 2010
torch

he held a torch for her
through timezones and language barriers
and still he held on
she went on with her own life
and still he held on
and still he held on
the flame dimming and brightening
wishing
hoping
for a resurgence of the initial spark
and timing never was on his side
but that didn't stop him from hoping
until one day
when fate (or her minion)
brought them to the same place
at the same time
and in veiled tones
he finally made an offer
which of course she rejected because she didn't even know
didn't know
what he was asking
and he flew away
head hung low, dejected
never knowing that she would have said yes
(in a heartbeat)
if he'd just used plain english


*****


February 22, 2012
Fantine


I used to be a perpetual Roman candle of pain
Sputtering misery everywhere
Everywhere
And now, or so I've heard, I'm gushing happiness
But how long until that bleeds me dry
And I'm as dry, bitter, and brittle as ever?
How long until I shatter
Again
Wait
Enough
No more talk of darkness
And pain
This is beautiful
Enjoy it
Embrace it
I should remember my name, believe it
And stop being afraid
To fly


*****


Approx. February 2010
Carry


Carry this
He said
You aren't the only one who can
But perhaps the only one
Who should
And don't worry
Because you are strong
Enough
To carry this alone
But I'll be there
To carry this with you
I laughed
He wasn't serious
And I said it would not be so bad
I didn't know
What he left behind
Except
I did wonder, expect, mispunctuate
I told him I would
I'd carry it for him
It was already in my hands
When I supplicated for assistance
You don't need me
He said
You are storng
And it isn't much now
So I will wait
And then when you really need me
Then I will rush
To carry this with you
Days
Weeks
Winters passed
Filled with words
But never actions
It grew heavy
Heavy until my arms ached
I could not carry it
Alone
I will, he said, help you
But not today
Crushing
Drowning
Consuming me
And still he gave only words
Others saw me
Struggling to carry the world
Alone
They offered to lift my arms
Pull me up
I hesitated, then accepted
Recovery ensued
You smiled and apologized
More words
More promises
And you still haven't lifted a finger

And I tell myself to let the story end...

Sara Bareilles, "Gonna Get Over You"

Goodbye

Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?

Layin' down the law that I live by,

Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,

Brimming with the words that go unsung

Simmer then the burn for a someone,

A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,

My heart will rest in someone else's hand

My 'why not me?' philosophy began,

And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me

Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,

Hang from your hands

Well, no more,

I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door

If I make it at the thought of you, what for?

It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,

I dare you darling, just you wait and see

But this time not for you but just for me,

And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday

Say it's coming soon,

Someday without you,

All I can do

Is get me past the ghost of you,

Wave goodbye to me,

I won't say I'm sorry,

I'll be alright

Once I find the other side of someday

Oohoohooohoohooh...

Oohoohooohoohooh...

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday

*****

I can't help it. I sincerely love this song. And the video...oh the video. I think my favorite part is 3:25 when the confetti starts flying.

Oh, who am I kidding? I love the whole damn thing!

And I will, I will be alright. Maybe not tonight.

But someday.

Chivalry is dead. Really, really dead.

When two girls like the same guy, the result is something like this:



I know this from personal experience. Freshman year in college, my roommate Amy and I discoverd that we both had a crush on the same guy. She beat me with her jacket. And then I dated him. Why? Because she would have done the same. (Anyway, after two weeks I never heard from him again and it turned out he just dated me because he had a bet going with his neighbors that he could date a freshman, so you could say I saved her some pain and embarassment.)

But what would happen if two guys were in the same situation? Probably something like this:

Guy 1: I'm totally cool with you dating my ex.
Guy 2: Wait, really? Okay!
Guy 1: What? Of course not. I mean, how can I be? This sucks.
Guy 2: It was insensitive of me to assume this would be alright. I'll bow out now
Guy 1: No, no. I insist. I'll bow out.
Guy 2: Cool! I win.
Girl: It's so convenient when the menfolk make all the hard decisions for me, like it's 1847 and I don't yet have the right to vote.

Okay. What?

No really, WHAT?!? Why all this bowing out? I. Don't. Get. It. What happened to chivalrous knights duking it out with jousting tournaments? Or cavemen...doing...whatever cavemen did to show they were masculinely superior? I mean,

SHOULDN'T THERE AT LEAST BE A FIST FIGHT?!?!?

And if that hypothetical situation listed above, which is in no way related to my current life circumstances, was a romantic comedy starring Emma Stone, Henry Cavill, and Seth Rogan, now would be the part where Emma looks Henry and Seth both in the eye and says:

Seriously? Forget this. I'm running off with James Marsters now.

Right after I battle Megan Fox.

*sigh* Or...maybe not. Maybe I can Emma would figure out what my her heart really wants, and go forward with that decision.