Gryffindor?
If I wasn't a Ravenclaw, I could at least see Hufflepuff. I often feel like I belong nowhere and I like to work hard. Well...sometimes I do. Or maybe Slytherin; I pursue self interest perhaps more than I like to admit. But Gryffindor? The brave-of-heart wannabe heroes who charge (often stupidly and recklessly) into situations unseen? Um, okay. Didn't see that one coming.
But then I thought about it. Not everyone in Gryffindor lacks intelligence. There's McGonagall. Hermione. Dumbledore. Lily. All magnificently brilliant, but it is their strength and courage that define them.
*Maybe* I am brave. *Maybe* I have heart and courage. How many times in the past four years (or more?) have I done the impossible simply because it had to be done? Perhaps this strength has been within me all along. It just took a crazy sort of fire to bring it out.
Both of these things--my intelligence and strength--are vitally important to me, to how I see myself. I remember noticing for the first time in fifth grade how some of the girls would pretend to be bad at math so that the boys would like them. I swore that day that I would never, ever do that.
And I never have.
I am proud of my intelligence, my strength. Why on earth should I hide who I am? I realize I'm not getting a Nobel prize in physics any time ever, but I can string together a decent sentence and add large numbers in my head. I can pay my own bills and take care of my own child and squash my own spiders. I can work 50+ hour work weeks, even when it really sucks. I have a college degree and an independent streak (some might call it stubbornness).
And I am not ashamed of any of this.
And if that's why I've never been married, so be it. Being single gets old after nearly three decades. It gets lonely. But I would far rather be alone than settle for someone who doesn't want me when I am strong. Because there is beauty in my strength. And I know the bravery and wit I have now are just a spark compared to my ultimate potential.
Still, despite all this, perhaps at times I give off damsel-in-distress vibes. Even at three, Ri loves to rush to my aide. To help me with anything and everything. Part of it is his age, of course. But I think a part of him recognizes that I do a job alone that's meant for two. I want to be, need to be, strong for him and give him everything. Yet at the same time I have to let him know that when he grows up and becomes a daddy, he isn't irrelevant.
When I was pregnant and tearfully asked my son's father how I could possibly do this all on my own, he said he knew I could because his mom had done the same. In some ways he was right. I *can* do this on my own. But it's a tricky balancing act--be strong, but not so strong that I push everyone away and teach my child to do the same.
The only solution I've found so far is simply never to settle. Never be less than my best. Not that I always have to be perfect (how exhausting) but when I find that *someone* and settle down, it will because he'll see and appreciate how glorious I am at my best. At my strongest.
And that I am not ashamed of it.
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| See? I knew I bought this awesome Gryffindor jersey for a reason. |
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| I may talk tough, but I still love getting flowers from a not-so-secret admirer. |
