Wednesday, June 06, 2012

A new mantra

The night before Riley's birthday, I had some interesting thoughts floating through my head. Maybe it was the Shopko Coma I was in as a result of trying to birthday shop after 9 hours at work. Maybe looking at dozens of Hot Wheels options just does that to me.

But I was thinking, naturally, about how much my little boy has changed over the past 3 years. He's gone from a helpless (albeit adorable) newborn infant into a walking, talking, jumping, humor-appreciating little person. He's learned a million new words...some of which he has used to learn sarcastically. He's learned to ride a bike. To count numbers.

And then I thought, what have I accomplished in the past 3 years? Lived in my parents house. Worked at a job far below my educational and intellectual capacity that barely provides enough to make ends meet. Had a few failed relationships. Lost weight...and gained most of it back.

In many ways, my life is in the same state it was 3 years ago. The. Same. State.

And then I had a thought. A thought that I repeated in my brain many times that night: Struggling is NOT the same thing as failing.

Struggling
is not
the same thing as failing.

It's not. I'm not failing. I'm not a failure. I have some things to work on, sure. But sometimes, keeping my head metaphorically above water all day, all week, all year...that is accomplishment in and of itself.

And there are some things I have done. I've written this blog...no, really...that means a lot to me. I've maintained and worked to cultivate my writing skills. And I'm starting to be brave enough to share that with the world. (Or a few of my Facebook friends, anyway.) I've gotten into yoga; I'd like to think that, despite heartbreaks I have had, I'm in a healthier place emotionally now than I've ever been in the past. (Part of that might just be the magic of getting ever closer to turning 30.) Oh, and, I paid off my car! That was a very happy day.

So this is my new mantra: struggling is not the same thing as failing. I may have to repeat this a million times before I'm satisfied. Oh, who are we kidding, I'll be telling myself this for the rest of my life, won't I?

But you know what? Today I'm okay with that.