If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy

Gin Blossoms, Hey Jealousy

Ugly Chair

I have the ugly chair at work. I love it. Nobody tries to steal my chair because all they can see are the ripped armrests and worn seat. They see that it's not new and shiny like everybody else's chairs.

Well, joke's on you, everyone else! This chair is amazing. It's way less uncomfy than the shiney new chairs with zero back support. Yeah, it looks like crap, and that's just fine with me because it means nobody will sit it in. Because I'd hate for someone else to realize how awesome this chair is.

Suckers.

For the love of penguins

Dear Earth,

What is happening to you? Are you sick? Is it that whole ozone depletion thing that’s throwing all of your systems out of whack? Earthquakes in Haiti, Chili, Mexico, and China; volcano explosions in Iceland. I’m starting to wonder if it’s a mental breakdown you’re having, or a temper tantrum.

Let’s see…natural disaster in North America? Check. South America? Definite check. Europe? Check. Sounds like Africa and Australia are next. Or maybe Antarctica -- watch out, penguins!

So, Earth, what do I need to do to make you all happy again? Recycle more? Stop using aerosol hairspray? (*sigh* Yes, I know that makes the ozone layer mad at me, but my hair has never been happier. You’re saying I have to choose?)

I’ll do what I can to be nice to you. I do appreciate you, I promise. I much prefer living here over, say, living on the moon. Or Mercury; that whole hot/cold thing would wreak havoc on my Earth-based carbon life form.

Happy birthday Earth! I didn’t get you a present, so I hope you accept this letter as a somewhat decent substitute.

Sincerely,
Amanda

PS: Penguins really are cute. Please don’t earthquake Antarctica.

You picked what you picked, and you can't go back and change now, so shut up and live with it

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost, 1915

The ones who create civilization

The romantic hero is invariably one who is going through the adolescent phase of human life. The child phase…is the time of complete dependence on others to create our identity and our worldview. Little children gladly accept even the strangest stories that others tell them, because they lack either the context or the confidence to doubt. They go along because they don’t know how to be alone, either physically or intellectually.

Gradually, however, this dependency breaks down—and children catch the first glimmers of a world that is different from the one they thought they lived in, they break away the last vestiges of adult control themselves, much as a baby bird breaks free of the last fragments of the egg. The romantic hero is unconnected. He belongs to no community; he is wandering from place to place, doing good (as he sees it), but then moving on. This is the life of the adolescent, full of passion, intensity, magic, and infinite possibilities; but lacking responsibility, rarely expecting to have to stay and bear the consequences of error. Everything is played at twice the speed and twice the volume in the adolescent—the romantic—life….Who but the adolescent is free to have the adventures that most of us are looking for when we turn to storytellers to satisfy our hunger?...

Only when loneliness becomes unbearable do adolescents root themselves, or try to root themselves. It may or may not be in the community of their childhood, and it may or may not be their childhood identity and connections that they resume upon entering adulthood. And, in fact, many fail at adulthood and constantly reach backward for the freedom and passion of adolescence. But those who achieve it are the ones who create civilization.

Orson Scott Card
Greensboro, North Carolina
29 March 1991
Introduction, Speaker for the Dead (excerpt)

Riley and the Dragon

Preface:
I wrote a storybook to give to my son for Christmas. Since it was fun to write and I don't think I did too awful of a job, I'm sharing it here. There are pictures, but a) it's too hard to include them all on the blog and b) I'm not sure that I have the copyright ability to publish them all on the Internet. Anyway, here's the book...

* * * * * * * *

Riley and the Dragon

Samuel the Dragon lived in a cave on the far edges of the land of Ibrak, He spent most days hunting for food on the green hills beside his cave. Like all dragons, Samuel had great eyesight and could see for miles. He could also smell for miles, which is why you don’t find many dragons near dairy farms.

But Samuel didn’t always like living in his cave. During the winter it was cold and there was not much food to hunt and sometimes Samuel went hungry. Samuel did not like going hungry.

And then there were the humans. Samuel was scared of humans. They thought Samuel was a horrible monster. But Samuel was a nice dragon. He tried to help others – both dragons and humans. Sometimes his help turned out badly. Like the one time during harvest season when he sneezed and accidentally burned down a cornfield.

One day in early summer, Samuel the Dragon was pacing back and forth in front of his cave. He saw a rider in the distance – a human on a horse. Now, some dragons would hide beside their cave human came close enough to blast with a single breath of fire. Samuel, on the other hand would just hide until they were gone.

But this rider was different. Samuel could see that this human was smaller, probably a child. Why would a human child be riding to my cave? The only time humans came here was if they were really, really lost. Or if they were hunting dragons.

But as the rider came closer, Samuel could see that it was a child. So Samuel did something he had never done before – he showed himself to the human. The human’s horse jumped, letting out a loud neigh as it dumped its rider to the ground.

Even though he was still a little scared, Samuel introduced himself to the human. “My…my name is Samuel. I’m…a dragon.”

The young human smiled and stuck out his hand. “Hello, Samuel. My name is Riley and this is my horse, Aurora. We’ve come to bring you to the castle.”

The castle? Samuel had seen the great castle in the city, but only from very far away. “But why does he want me?”

Riley smiled. “The king wants to have a dragon in his dungeon. He is too old to come get you himself, so he sent me.”

“What is the dungeon like?” asked Samuel.

“It’s just as big as that cave behind you,” Riley said, “with plenty of room for a dragon to fly. And you’ll always have plenty to eat, even in winter.”

Samuel the Dragon thought for a moment. It might be fun to live in the city. And it would certainly be nice to always have enough to eat. But what about all those humans?

“Will all of the other humans be afraid of me,” Samuel asked Riley, “or will they know I’m a good dragon?”

Riley thought about that. “They will probably be afraid of you at first. Most people do think dragons are bad. But if you show them how nice you are, they will stop being afraid. Except for strangers, of course. But that’s why the king needs you anyway – to keep his enemies in line. Seems every king has a dragon nowadays.”

So Samuel followed Riley and Aurora into the city. Samuel noticed that they did not see very many humans on the journey.

“Where did everyone go?” he asked Riley.

“I think they’re hiding in their homes,” Riley answered. “Since you’re a dragon and all.”

“Why weren’t you afraid of me, Riley?” asked Samuel.

“Oh, I was terrified,” said Riley. “But I pretended not to be afraid so you wouldn’t know. And now that I know you, you’re not scary at all. You really are a good dragon!”
Samuel thought that was a very good idea. As they passed more villages on the way to the castle, Samuel told himself he wasn’t afraid of all the humans. After a while, it even worked

After two days, Samuel and Riley arrived at the city. Samuel could see the castle in middle of the city. It was so tall! Samuel stopped walking. Suddenly, knowing there were so many humans in the city made them all seem scary again.

Riley turned around. “Aren’t you coming?”

Samuel shook his head. “What if I don’t like the castle? What if it’s boring? What if everyone always stays afraid of me? What if I’m afraid of them? What if the food doesn’t taste good?”

Riley laughed. “Then I guess you’ll just have to walk back all by yourself and live in your cold lonely cave forever.”

Samuel sighed. “I do want to see the inside of the castle.” Samuel stood up tall. “Okay, Riley, let’s go in!”

The king himself was waiting at the gates to meet Samuel. “Welcome, dragon! We hope you enjoy your stay here with us at the castle. My men will show you to your new quarters.”

The king’s servants led Samuel to the castle dungeon. Just like Riley said, it was a roomy dungeon, with plenty of space for a dragon to fly around and a large straw pile for a bed. And best of all was a large meal set out just for Samuel. Food!

From then on, Samuel the Dragon enjoyed his life at the castle. He always had plenty to eat and a warm, comfortable bed. When he was bored, the king let him swim in the castle moat or spend an afternoon flying over the whole kingdom.

Riley didn’t forget Samuel. He came to visit him often, and sometimes he would go with Samuel and ride on his back as they flew over fields and lakes. Samuel was grateful that the king had sent Riley to find him and bring him here to the castle where he made his new home. And best of all, Samuel the Dragon had made a real friend.

The end.

December 25, 2009

Anomaly

I do not make sense. I feel like I am a million things at once, but not really any of them at all. I’m an adult but still my parents’ child; I’m a college graduate who works in a call center; I’m single but I’m a mom.

And that last one right there is the kicker. I am a single mom. Other single people are worrying about school or dates and I’m trying to figure out how to pay for diapers, and how to be around to be the one who changes them.

For the most part, I feel like I can relate to other moms…until they start talking about their husbands. And then I just feel like a lost little girl again. I always thought I’d get married when I grew up but here I am now all grown up and that marriage thing still hasn’t happened. It’s like a foreign concept to me. A foreign concept that always will be foreign because I’m almost four years older than the average age for a woman in Idaho to get married.

I know I sound kinda whiny, and I’d like to say that’s not intentional, but this is a vent, after all. I know I made decisions that led to this point in my life. But knowing that doesn’t make things any easier. If anything it just makes it harder to know that I brought this on myself. I feel guilty no matter what I do. When I wasn’t working full time I felt guilty because my parents were so willing to help me and Riley. And now that I have found a job I feel so awful leaving my baby boy every day. I miss him insanely and I wish things were different. But they aren’t different. This is my life.

Maybe when work slows down I’ll stop feeling like there is a dark cloud of insanity hanging over my head. I’m required to work overtime, which as one of my coworkers said, is good for the pocketbook but not for the soul.

So back to me not making sense. I know I’m not alone and that there are other single moms on the planet. Lots and lots of us. But when Riley wakes up at 4am and it’s just he and I walking the bedroom floor for an hour, I feel all alone. That’s when I wonder what in the world I have gotten myself into, and if things will ever get better.

"Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring—when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children—black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
Dr. Martin King Luther, Jr.