I do not make sense. I feel like I am a million things at once, but not really any of them at all. I’m an adult but still my parents’ child; I’m a college graduate who works in a call center; I’m single but I’m a mom.
And that last one right there is the kicker. I am a single mom. Other single people are worrying about school or dates and I’m trying to figure out how to pay for diapers, and how to be around to be the one who changes them.
For the most part, I feel like I can relate to other moms…until they start talking about their husbands. And then I just feel like a lost little girl again. I always thought I’d get married when I grew up but here I am now all grown up and that marriage thing still hasn’t happened. It’s like a foreign concept to me. A foreign concept that always will be foreign because I’m almost four years older than the average age for a woman in Idaho to get married.
I know I sound kinda whiny, and I’d like to say that’s not intentional, but this is a vent, after all. I know I made decisions that led to this point in my life. But knowing that doesn’t make things any easier. If anything it just makes it harder to know that I brought this on myself. I feel guilty no matter what I do. When I wasn’t working full time I felt guilty because my parents were so willing to help me and Riley. And now that I have found a job I feel so awful leaving my baby boy every day. I miss him insanely and I wish things were different. But they aren’t different. This is my life.
Maybe when work slows down I’ll stop feeling like there is a dark cloud of insanity hanging over my head. I’m required to work overtime, which as one of my coworkers said, is good for the pocketbook but not for the soul.
So back to me not making sense. I know I’m not alone and that there are other single moms on the planet. Lots and lots of us. But when Riley wakes up at 4am and it’s just he and I walking the bedroom floor for an hour, I feel all alone. That’s when I wonder what in the world I have gotten myself into, and if things will ever get better.
I hope things will get better for you soon! Single parenthood always impresses me, since I feel I barely make it with help! You and Riley both look good, on the uphand!
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda. This hurts my heart. I think there are a lot of women who could have ended up in your situation, they just didnt get pregnant. I can't say I know how you feel because I have no idea. I am sure it is very lonely and your ranting and raving was not bad at all, I don't know if I could be that positive. I think you are an amazing person and I hope you meet the right guy for you and Riley soon. Until then, let's go to tcby sometimes and cry together. And I love chick flicks too, I have a ton of them if you want to borrow some or have a movie night. Love, Kendra
ReplyDeleteHey, lady. I just read your post and I, like others, can't say I know how you feel. BUT I do want you to know that there are lots of us asking ourselves who we are and how we got to where we are. Not saying Riley is a mistake... but we all do things we wish we could have done differently. I bet you're an amazing mom and one day you'll find the right balance for you. Now go kiss that little baby boy of yours.
ReplyDeleteMegan makes a good point. Whatever the issue may be, I think we all have points in life where we question how we got to where we are and get a taste of 20-20 hindsight. The important thing is not to dwell on what could have been but to do the best we can to be in charge of our own lives and not let life happen to us in the future like we maybe have in the past. For what it's worth, someday Riley will be an adult who is capable of understanding and appreciating the sacrifices that his wonderful mother made in order to provide for him. You're doing a great job!
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