I am Jane Bennet

Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of, and gives her a sort of distinction among her companions.

I am Jane Bennet.

Jane's story is something like this: She was the pretty one. (Oh! she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld!) She fell in love with this moderately rich guy, Bingley. Only, she held back from showing too much emotion so his friends convinced him she didn't care for him and he moved back to London. (And then later he came back and they lived happily ever after.)

I've always thought that of any Pride & Prejudice character I'd be spunky Elizabeth or maybe even flighty Lydia. And I can't help but notice my similarities to plain Charlotte, who as an old maid at 27 was becoming a burden to her parents.

But shy, reserved Jane? Never would have thought that was me. Turns out I was wrong.

I have this friend. She is amazingly raw and open on her blog. Sometimes I aspire for my blog to be like that, but I just don't know if I can manage that much openness.

I hold back. Sometimes to a fault, I've been told.

If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark....There are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels.

It's easier that way, not telling people how I feel. Letting them think they know everything, when they really only see ten percent of the iceberg.

Lately, however, my blog posts (and my emotions) have been more raw. More open. More honest. I suppose I feel I might as well because there's nothing to lose by being honest. Right?

I've been mentally composing this post for a month and a half, ever since I realized how thoroughly I hold back, and the negative effects it may or may not have on my life. Since then, however, my circumstances have changed some. I didn't think I held back anymore.

But I do. Of course I do.

There are different ways to hold back, different things I don't say to so many different people:

Hey, I kinda like you.

I've loved you silently for a long, long time.

I'm terrified.

I respect you but have no desire to be anything like you.

I changed my mind. Again. And I can't promise it won't change back tomorrow.

This is all new and different to me.

Are you ever going to talk to me, odd headphone-wearing coworker, or just walk by my desk 50 times a day?

It's important to keep in mind that I am being genuine. She is not acting by design. As yet, she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard, nor of its reasonableness. I don't hold back as part of some game or power struggle. Often I don't even know I'm doing it.

Until it's done and over with.

So...why? Because people pleasing is hard wired into me, I guess. I tell people what I think they want to hear. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows the real me. If I even do. And all of this holding back isn't exactly productive. I hate that sometimes those I care about most don't know until it's too late to change the course our lives have taken. I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm SCREAMING inside when I look like I'm placidly smiling and nodding.

So here I am. Jane Bennet. The one who holds back.

At least I get to be the pretty one.