Living

I worry sometimes that I spend too much of my life just waiting around for life to happen. I look at myself as someone who is just holding her breath, someone who has a million things on the to-do list of my life that I'm just not doing yet. And I often feel that I started doing that when my son was born; I mean, we've been living here with my parents over 2 years now and I still don't feel completely settled. Like we never will be completely settled here because that would just be giving up or giving in or something.

And then I realized.

This is living. Something about parenthood brought me to life. I was (quite unfortunately) thinking back to my college days earlier tonight...and realizing how that seems like millenia ago. How back then I was floating along and wondering how life was going to turn out.

These days I don't spend a lot of time wondering how life is going to turn out. It is turning out. This is life. This is living. And I'm doing it. Sometimes I catch myself wasting time just sitting there on the internet as if that were far more entertaining than it actually is. But those moments aside, when I look back on the past 2 years, 4 months, 16 days, 8 hours and 22 minutes I see life.

And it's ironic, really. It's ironic how the moments of drudgery, diapers, bath time (oh, how I hate bath time), and "eat your breakfast NOW!!!" equate to living life. But they do. Those moments that made me feel like I was drowning look so very different in my rear view mirror. These are my defining moments.