It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you

Dashboard Confessional "Ender Will Save Us All"

It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.

Living

I worry sometimes that I spend too much of my life just waiting around for life to happen. I look at myself as someone who is just holding her breath, someone who has a million things on the to-do list of my life that I'm just not doing yet. And I often feel that I started doing that when my son was born; I mean, we've been living here with my parents over 2 years now and I still don't feel completely settled. Like we never will be completely settled here because that would just be giving up or giving in or something.

And then I realized.

This is living. Something about parenthood brought me to life. I was (quite unfortunately) thinking back to my college days earlier tonight...and realizing how that seems like millenia ago. How back then I was floating along and wondering how life was going to turn out.

These days I don't spend a lot of time wondering how life is going to turn out. It is turning out. This is life. This is living. And I'm doing it. Sometimes I catch myself wasting time just sitting there on the internet as if that were far more entertaining than it actually is. But those moments aside, when I look back on the past 2 years, 4 months, 16 days, 8 hours and 22 minutes I see life.

And it's ironic, really. It's ironic how the moments of drudgery, diapers, bath time (oh, how I hate bath time), and "eat your breakfast NOW!!!" equate to living life. But they do. Those moments that made me feel like I was drowning look so very different in my rear view mirror. These are my defining moments.

Horcrux

I tore out a part of my soul and gave it to you
For safekeeping
Never expecting you'd reject it
Now it's out there somewhere disembodied and homeless
I forgot the pain
But you helped me remember
Only this time I'm mourning the loss of something I've always suspected I wanted but had no idea how much until it was staring me
In the face
I was irrevocably changed that day
I let go and let you have the biggest piece given away to date
I know it wasn't planned
These things never are
But that doesn't erase the irony