Manda vs the Universe

And I tell myself to let the story end...

2012-02-08T12:18:00.013-07:00

Sara Bareilles, "Gonna Get Over You"

Goodbye

Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?

Layin' down the law that I live by,

Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,

Brimming with the words that go unsung

Simmer then the burn for a someone,

A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,

My heart will rest in someone else's hand

My 'why not me?' philosophy began,

And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me

Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,

Hang from your hands

Well, no more,

I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door

If I make it at the thought of you, what for?

It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,

I dare you darling, just you wait and see

But this time not for you but just for me,

And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday

Say it's coming soon,

Someday without you,

All I can do

Is get me past the ghost of you,

Wave goodbye to me,

I won't say I'm sorry,

I'll be alright

Once I find the other side of someday

Oohoohooohoohooh...

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?

I'll be alright, just not tonight

Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay

I'll be alright, just not tonight,

Someday

*****

I can't help it. I sincerely love this song. And the video...oh the video. I think my favorite part is 3:25 when the confetti starts flying.

Oh, who am I kidding? I love the whole damn thing!

And I will, I will be alright. Maybe not tonight.

But someday.

Chivalry is dead. Really, really dead.

2012-02-07T11:13:00.001-07:00

When two girls like the same guy, the result is something like this:

I know this from personal experience. Freshman year in college, my roommate Amy and I discoverd that we both had a crush on the same guy. She beat me with her jacket. And then I dated him. Why? Because she would have done the same. (Anyway, after two weeks I never heard from him again and it turned out he just dated me because he had a bet going with his neighbors that he could date a freshman, so you could say I saved her some pain and embarassment.)

But what would happen if two guys were in the same situation? Probably something like this:

Guy 1: I'm totally cool with you dating my ex.
Guy 2: Wait, really? Okay!
Guy 1: What? Of course not. I mean, how can I be? This sucks.
Guy 2: It was insensitive of me to assume this would be alright. I'll bow out now
Guy 1: No, no. I insist. I'll bow out.
Guy 2: Cool! I win.
Girl: It's so convenient when the menfolk make all the hard decisions for me, like it's 1847 and I don't yet have the right to vote.

Okay. What?

No really, WHAT?!? Why all this bowing out? I. Don't. Get. It. What happened to chivalrous knights duking it out with jousting tournaments? Or cavemen...doing...whatever cavemen did to show they were masculinely superior? I mean,

SHOULDN'T THERE AT LEAST BE A FIST FIGHT?!?!?

And if that hypothetical situation listed above, which is in no way related to my current life circumstances, was a romantic comedy starring Emma Stone, Henry Cavill, and Seth Rogan, now would be the part where Emma looks Henry and Seth both in the eye and says:

Seriously? Forget this. I'm running off with James Marsters now.

Right after I battle Megan Fox.

*sigh* Or...maybe not. Maybe ~~I can~~ Emma would figure out what my her heart really wants, and go forward with that decision.

The best four dates I've ever been on

2012-01-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

In honor of a certain upcoming pseudo-holiday, I decided to blog about the best four dates I've ever been on. Elsewhere on the internet, someone asked what my best date ever was. These four came to mind. Interestingly enough, all four were first dates. All four led to steady relationships.

So let's get started.

May 4, 2002. My senior prom. This date is actually the only one where I asked him. We went ice skating before the dance, which was my second ice skating experience ever. I'm not exactly coordinated, so, well, I'm sure he was well entertained. Then I went back home and changed into my pretty dress and waited for him to pick me up. And...waited. And waited. My mom jokingly asked me if I'd scared him off during the ice skating. I'd thought we'd had fun! Turns out he'd had car problems. He showed up, my mom took pictures, and we were off...to my friend's house...for more pictures. We had dinner at El Gallo Giro, this randomly amazing Mexican place in Kuna. During dinner my friend Tracy mentioned that my birthday happened to be the next week. (Remember that part. It's important.)

And then the dance. I'd spent most of my growing up years putting high school dances on a giant pedestal. I wanted more than anything to have a romantic prom or homecoming or winter formal. The years passed and I was finally old enough to go! But nobody asked me. Sophomore year passed. Junior year passed. No dances. Senior year came; I actually did get asked to homecoming about two days before the dance by a good friend, and we did have fun, but it was clearly a last-minute hey-my-date-cancelled-so-you-wanna-go-or-what? moment. So when senior prom came around, I was determined to go.

Despite all of that, I actually don't remember that much about the dance itself. There was some No Doubt played. For some reason (student council, probably?) my little brother had to help serve the punch. One of my friends wore tennis shoes under her big poofy formal and halfway through the night my achy feet were jealous. It was...a high school dance. Oh, also, the theme for the prom was Stairway to Heaven. The ironic part? My mom's senior prom (Capitol High 1980) was also Stairway to Heaven.

But it's after the dance that I remember better. The friends that I came with went back to someone's house for ice cream. My date had a better idea. We drove across town (Nampa). For some reason he decided at the last minute to do a left hand turn from the far right lane. Right in front of a cop. Red and blue lights flashed. He got off with a warning. And then behind the Target (I think it was Target, anyway) in Nampa my date hooked up his mp3 player (note: this was 2002 and only about 7 people on the planet had mp3 players) to his giant DJ speakers and we had our own dance. It. Was. Epic.

Oh, and remember how I said it was important to remember that my friend told him about my birthday? The following Wednesday he showed up--unannounced--at my house with a mix CD and a rose. We lived an hour away from each other. Don't worry; my mom fed him dinner.

April 8ish, 2006. This is the only one that I don't remember the exact calendar date. It could have been the 7th, 8th, 14th, or 15th. All I remember is that it was April and that there was a dance that night. We didn't go to the dance. He picked me up at my apartment and we walked to this hole-in-the-wall authentic Mexican place in Rexburg called Ramire's. This place cracks me up. It's been years, so I don't know if it even still exists or what, but at the time the walls were cracked and none of the tables matched. And the food was good. We got giant burritos and horchata and ate and laughed and talked.

Then we walked back to BYU-Idaho campus (he was a student; I was not) and went to a live comedy show. Guys, if you want to impress me, take me to a live comedy show. Preferably one that is actually funny. This one was. I wish I could remember the name of the group, but I don't. It was an improv group made of local students; like SNL for twenty-something Mormons who are obsessed with getting married because that's the only way they're gonna get...to stay out past midnight.

And then we walked to Coldstone. There's lots of walking in this story. He didn't have a car. Which isn't a big deal in Rexburg, although by this time it was dark and kinda cold and Coldstone was a bit of a walk. No big deal. We had fun with it. We talked about life and roommates and mutual friends (that's you, Mallory) and previous dates. We found out that both of our previous favorite first dates ended up with a dance behind a building. On the way back to my apartment from Coldstone we stopped at a place that I later referred to as the Corner of Blue, Green, and Tan. Blue for this GIANT blue house (that I actually lived in about five months later), green for Millhollow frozen yogurt, and tan for the ROC--this call center that I never worked at but heard horror stories about. On the fourth corner of this intersection was a construction site. He walked me over to the construction site and pulled out his iPod. We each took an earbud and danced to Stability by Death Cab for Cutie. He kissed me. It was the beginning of a magical...roller coaster of emotional craziness.

February 14, 2007. This date was probably the simplest of the four, but it made an impression. The Coldstone Roller Coaster guy had just broken up with me for about the sixth (and final) time. I was still hurting when I met someone else. We'd actually known of each other for years due to mutual friends, and had even talked on the phone once, but we met in person about a week before Valentine's. We did end up dating pretty seriously, which didn't work out in the end (read: I cruelly shattered his heart into a million pieces), but there was an instant spark the day we met. I have pictures of that day and it still strikes me how happy we both looked. Like I'd mentioned, I was still hurting, but the day I'd met him was the first time in weeks that I'd felt truly happy.

Anyway, neither of us had plans for Valentine's so he asked me out. We ate dinner at this restaurant that I'm pretty sure no longer exists called Heart, Mind, and Soul. (One time I saw David Archuleta there.) They had old episodes of Growing Pains projected on the wall across from our table. I *think* it was an episode where Carol got stood up for a dance but a) there was no sound and b) it's been 5 years. I don't remember what we ate. I was too busy laughing like I'd never laughed before.

They had live entertainment at the restaurant, but we couldn't see from our table, so after we finished eating we went over by the stage and shared a bean bag chair. We had fancy non-alcoholic drinks and watched an amusingly not funny comedian and decent live jazz. We stayed there talking on the bean bag chair after the music was over. It was almost midnight and I think the restaurant staff wanted us out of there so they could go home.

Eventually we did leave. He dropped me off at my door and asked when he could see me again. Guys, those words are gold. Well, those words are gold if the girl is at least somewhat interested in you. Otherwise those words are somewhat creepy and awkward. In this case, though, gold.

July 9, 2011. I want to say that this one takes that cake, but maybe it's just because I'm not over him yet. Or maybe it's just because of the sheer volume of new and fun things I got to do that night. Or maybe it was the scorpion. Regardless, it was pretty dang awesome.

We met at Boondocks...oops, I mean Wahooz...in Meridian. We mini golfed and talked about concerts we'd been to, places we'd lived, and music we liked. We cheated at the rules of mini golf, or at least I did.

Then it was off to dinner in downtown Boise. I don't remember the name of the place, but it was Spanish/Mexican food and I'm fairly certain there was a cow skull replica on the door. The waitress recommended the green sauce over the red sauce, and she was right about that.

Then we walked over to the Record Exchange, where we talked about indie music and he told me about how his kids like to sing karaoke. We listened to CDs and looked at movie covers. On the walk there we stumbled across a parade of classic cars. I mentioned how much my son likes cars.

Next it was off to north Boise and this really awesome candy shop. I was like a kid in a candy store. No, really. I was. We got bottles of pop to take with us up to Tablerock. He bought me a scorpion sucker. We watched the sunset on Tablerock. We drove most of the way up because it would have taken too long to hike. I told him he looked like Adam Levine.

When the sun was good and set, it was still too early to go home and neither of us really wanted to. So we went back downtown and he took me to Reef. We watched a so-so local band and an actually-really-good out of town band that sounded like Sublime. We danced.

And that's how it happened.

Dear January

2012-01-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

Wow.

You weren't holding anything back, were you?

It started off with dancing thte night away. In 4-inch heels. My toes were numb by the end of the night, but my legs looked great. See?

And then...well, January, you went downhill for a while. But let's move on to...

When we got to part 3 in the ongoing 12-part series titled Amanda Doesn't Know What She Wants to Do with Her Hair or Her Life:

Talk about a way to realize that your bathroom mirror needs to be cleaned.

January, your last couple of weeks are kinda a crazy blur. There were movies and roses and friends.

Those were followed by sick days snuggling with a toddler and an awesome concert standing right by the stage for Scars on 45.

The concert really deserves it's own blog, but sadly it's just going to get a portion of one here.

So it's been fun, January. It's been intense. We certainly had our ups and downs. It's probably good that we're about to part ways because I honestly don't know that I could handle much more of you.

See you in eleven months.

Amanda

What do you take me for, some kind of easy mark?

2012-01-07T02:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Chris Carrabba,
Will you marry me? We met once. You probably don't remember it because we didn't get a chance to talk; you were busy singing on stage and I was busy confusing my ex-boyfriend. But there was a connection. I'm sure you felt it. Just think about it. I'll be here.
Amanda

I'm at a loss for a title

2011-12-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern:

You know who you are. But do you know what you're missing? Because what you're missing is a little boy who knows his alphabet. Every damn letter, even the "next time won't you sing with me?" part. You're missing a little boy who can count to 20. (Well, sometimes.)

You're missing out on the best thing in the world.

I've been told that he talks on the level of a 3-year-old, even though he's only 2. He talks fast, too. (Of course, you've met me, so that part shouldn't surprise you.) He can name every character in the movie Cars. He knows football better than I do. He's an avid Boise State fan. He can tell the difference between a Ford Focus and a Chevy Cavalier. (He didn't get that from me, either.)

You're missing bedtime stories and lullabies, and the chance to hear "That's a way good song, Mom!" You're missing milk and cookies for dinner, velcro shoes, and clip-on ties. You're missing bowling, and swimming, and more bowling. You haven't seen him set up a bowling alley in the family room with his stuffed animals as pins.

You missed the cutest Dalmatian puppy for Halloween. That night also happened to be the first time he peed in the toilet; you missed that, too. You missed two wonderful birthdays with horribly decorated cakes (so not my forte), and a third Christmas is about to be missed. He has asked every day for the past 10 days "Is it Christmas today?" Yeah, Christmas is gonna be a big deal this year. (You also missed the chance to hear him pronounce the word "truck" like the f-bomb...in church.)

You're missing the best smile, the best hugs, and the most amazing little kisses. Someday he won't be 2-and-a-half anymore, and I'll miss those things, too. But at least I'll have the memory of them.

I don't hate you; I've never hated you. But I thought you should know what exactly it is that you're missing.

Sincerely,
Me

PS: When you chose to miss out on all of the above, you also chose to miss out on me. And I think I'm pretty fabulous, too.

Happiness is a choice, love is a verb, and my hair is the color of Cherry Coke

2011-12-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I spent my childhood obsessed with Anne of Green Gables. (The books. Not not not the movies.) But I've wanted red hair for as long as I can remember. So, one day in college I dyed my hair red. I was actually going for light brown and came out with dark red. That was the day I learned that my hair loves red, and any time I dye it anything with even a hint of red, my hair just goes crazy with it. Either way, though, I loved it. I went to my ballroom dance class the next day and got compliments from at least half the guys in the class. Win.

Then when I was 24, I dyed my hair red on purpose. Again, loved it.

And then something miraculous happened. After having my son, my naturally blonde hair got a little darker...but it also got a little redder. I had people complimenting me on my naturally "red" hair. It really wasn't all that red, still, but it was fun.

Two months ago I became a brunette. I was feeling a little impulsive and it just sorta happened. After I did it, I liked it, but I looked in the mirror and thought, "You know, I'd like a slightly redder brown. I'll have to do that when I touch it up." So now my hair is...is...I don't know what to call this! Obviously, this blog post needs a picture...but that's not going to happen right this moment. (I will upload a picture, though. Promise.)

And then it hit me. My hair is the color of Cherry Coke! You know...dark when you first look at it, surprisingly red when it hits the light.

Cherry Coke hair. You'd think that would be a negative thing, but I'm totally digging it.

Now for all that other stuff in the title...

Last year, when I was in a particularly dark place, my mom made the comment that perhaps the reason I was so desperate (because I was at that time) to find someone to love me was because I didn't love myself.

And she was right.

I firmly believe that love is a verb. And action word. To love is not to experience a pretty feeling, although that can be nice. To love is to be patient, kind, long suffering, and all those other things mentioned in the bible verses that I'm not going to look up right now. If I'm going to love anyone, including and especially myself, I can't sit around waiting for it to magically happen.

So I'm not going to. I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to eat healthy and exercize...but I'm not going to deny myself the amazingness that is frozen pizza. I'm going to do more yoga. I'm going to hug Riley more. I'm going to not let myself neglect my spirituality. And somehow I'm going to do all of this while working 40 hours a week with a 30-minutes-or-more commute each way, taking care of a 2-year-old, and shopping for Christmas?

Eh, I'll figure it out.

You know, it doesn't make a lot of sense (or does it?), but changing my haircolor tend to bring out different pieces of my personality. Redheaded Amanda is going to be a zen Amanda.

PS: Gilbert, are you out there?

Dear Everyone Else on the Planet

2011-11-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone Else on the Planet,

You are under no obligation to make me happy. None whatsoever. Your choices have no ablity to affect my choice to be happy--regardless of my circumstances--unless I choose to let them. And I don't.

Not that other people can't make me smile. You can, and frequently do. And being human, it can/does make me sad (or mad or frustrated or all of the above) when other people choose to say/do unkind things, even if their motives are somewhat well intended.

But if I dwell on it, if I let those negative feelings linger, if I let a few negative things in my life overwhelm me so that I can't see the million blessings that I have--well, that's my fault, and mine alone.

Sincerely,
Amanda

The last time

2011-11-21T00:45:00.000-07:00

I used to write really emo poetry. Sometimes I still do. This particular piece was written almost five years ago. I stumbled upon it tonight, and most of the poem really resonated with me. I want to make it clear that the last two lines are not currently relevant to my life. And since those two lines are kinda the point of the poem, it's ironic that it speaks to me tonight. But it does. So I'm posting it.

*****

the corner of blue, green, and tan

i am a hypocrite
and i, too, have caused pain
i have lied with my lips and my eyes
and with my tongue
i have asked for things i didn't really want
simply because i knew they would come
and they did
i have been overgenerous with affection
but given sparingly of emotion
i have been rude
i have been disgraceful
i have calculated
and certainly i have been unkind
deception has been my forte, my natural course
i have walked away without caring nearly as much
as i should have
and despite all my flaws, my guilt
my understanding of this fault
you have done all of this to me
and that is why i hurt

Here we go again...

2011-11-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

First off, I have been horrible about keeping up with this blog. I know I said I would post two times a week for the rest of the year. I haven't even been posting once a week. More than once I've started a blog, just to leave it in draft form.

The thing is, I want to be raw and honest and open. But I'm a perpetual people pleaser, and I can't bring myself to be so blunt. And then there's the whole fact that I don't want to burn any bridges. So what you're left with are vague posts like this one.

I'm actually doing this? Yes. Yes, I am.

2011-11-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there used to be this website called Myspace. Anyone remember Myspace? And is it MySpace or Myspace? Oh, well. Doesn't matter. Yesterday as I was driving home from work I heard a song on my iPod that I had downloaded only because the guy I liked, um I mean, some random person I knew had it as the song on his Myspace profile.

And that made me think of Myspace quizzes. And I thought, hey, I miss taking those stupid things! And before Myspace those stupid things were on email, which is where I got this from. At the time I thought it would make a good blog post. A throwback, if you will. But I'm typing this intro after I just completed the longest pointless quiz known to man, so I'm questioning the sanity of the idea. Oh well. Here you go:

1:20 pm

About Me
What's your full name? Amanda Sue Jordan

Nickname? Manda, AJ

What do you prefer to be called? Amanda or Manda. Don't call me Mandy. Nothing wrong that that name, but it's not MY name. You know?

Age? 27

Do you look your age? I've been told I look a lot younger....

Do you share a b-day with anyone famous? This sounds like a job for *wait for it* Wikipedia! Harry Truman, Don Rickles, Melissa Gilbert, Enrique Iglesias, Martha Wainwright (Okay, so I had to use the word "famous" loosely.)

What color are your eyes? Blue, green, blue-green, or gray, depending on various factors

Hair color? Currently brunette

Height? 5'6

Weight? Yeah, I'm not putting that on my blog

Do you think you can afford to lose weight? Like could I survive? Yes. Do I need to? No, but more toning would be a good idea.

Are you straight, bi, gay? Strrrrrrrrrrrraight

School? Been there, done that

Grade? Why am I doing this again? Oh, right. Nostalgia.

Pets? *sigh* I am becoming a regular cat lady. There are a few of them hanging around.

City You Live In? Kuna. And why are all the words capitalized?

Live at home? Well, technically, anywhere I live would be considered living at home. But if you're asking if I live with my parents in the house that I grew up in...the answer would be yes.

How many people do you live with? 4, soon to be 5. (Because my brother will be back from Brazil next week. What were you thinking?!) Not counting myself.

How many brothers and sisters do you have? 2 brothers. 1 sister.

Do you like your parents? Usually :)

Are you happy? Usually :)

Do you wear necklaces, bracelets, anklets, earrings, or/and rings? Sometimes, sometimes (was going to today but forgot. oops!), never, usually :), and rarely

What colors are you wearing right now? Various shades of blue and white (does teal count as a shade of blue?)

What color is most of your clothes? *grammar cringe* Honestly, I think I have a pretty good variety.

Do you blow-dry your hair? Sometimes. Today I just threw it back in a braid. This stuff is getting thick! I'm good with that.

Where's the weirdest place you've been? With the Aurora Bridge Troll in Seattle. Don't get me wrong--it was awesome. But still kinda weird.

Do you have your own car? Yes, ma'am.

What makes you unique in your own opinion? Everything? I can't even figure me out. And I have double-jointed fingers.

Name your worst quality. Sometimes I lose perspective and freak out about things that don't to be freaked out about. And I am non-confrontational to a fault.

Name your best. That's a matter of opinion.

What would you like to do with your life? Write stuff. Raise my baby boy (although he's not really a baby anymore, is he?). See Italy. Other stuff.

Say one thing about yourself you've never told anyone. No

Boredom level (1-5). 3

Put a number next to the following in the order of importance, 1 being the most important.

Family- 1

Friends- 5

Money- 7

Shelter- 4

Food/Water- 3

Fun- 6

Drugs/Alcohol- 8

Life- 2

Favorites
Favorite song? "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms

Favorite movie? umm...okay, fine. While You Were Sleeping. (Apparently I can't get over the 90s.)

Favorite pastime? Snuggling with Riley

Favorite vacation? Ever? Hmm. Texas this year was fun. DC in high school was great, too. And I'm trying to think of a good vacation that I've gone on with Riley, but I'm drawing a blank. Sad. Although this could have to do with the fact that any trip with him up to this point had me spending a good deal of time changing diapers and cutting food into tiny pieces.

Favorite color? Blue

Favorite food? I am obligated to say pizza.

Favorite restaurant? Honestly? Olive Garden

Favorite mall? People have favorite malls? Really? I mean, yeah, I'd rather go to Boise Towne Square than Karcher Mall, but I'm pretty sure that's normal.

Favorite animal? Eh, I don't really care

Favorite actor/actress? Ummmmmm...nope. Don't have one of those, either.

Favorite band/singer? I'm all over the place with this one. I like George Strait, Britney Spears, Ke$ha, Gin Blossoms, Coldplay, Relient K, Postal Service, Journey...yeah. All over the place.

Favorite radio station? Mix 106. I still need to grab $5k from them.

Favorite TV show? Jeopardy. Yes, I am serious.

Favorite day of the week? Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!

Favorite quote? I'm pretty sure there's nothing I could put here that wouldn't be dripping with cheesiness and pretension.

Favorite number? 13

Favorite cookie? Hmm...

Favorite soda? Wild Cherry Pepsi

Favorite chocolate bar? Dove Dark Chocolate

Who is your favorite care bear? Nope

Favorite color of post-it note? Purple. Duh.

Favorite card game to play? Not gonna lie, kids, my initial thought was strip poker. But I'm a good girl, so the real answer is Phase 10.

Favorite cereal? Special K Red Berries

Favorite weather? 70 and sunny with crispy autumn leaves

Favorite berries? Blue? No, wait--straw.

Favorite show growing up? Full House. There. Now you can blackmail me.

Favorite song based on lyrics? Sara Bareilles, "Gravity"

Favorite song based on music? Actually, the music on that one is really pretty, too.

Favorite poem? La Belle Dame sans Merci

Favourite drink? Why are we suddenly British? And 2% milk.

Favorite movie when you were 10 years old? I don't remember. Probably Aladdin. Or the old school Parent Trap with Hayley Mills.

Where is your favourite place to go? Sometimes I like to just drive in my car and listen to my iPod. (And since I spend over an hour every day doing that thanks to my commute, sometimes that gets old.)

Favorite website? Good question.

Favorite thing about winter? Spring

Friends/Relationships
Do you have a bf or g/f? Nope

Do you have a crush? Not really

Would you ever date someone outside of your social group? Um, sure? This was so designed for teenagers.

How many ex-b/f or ex-g/f? 13 or so. I've counted before but I don't...okay...fine. Wow. It really is 13.

What's the largest age difference between you and someone you've dated? 9 years

(Girls) how would you feel if you got a flower from a guy? Depends on the flower. And depends on the guy. But probably happy.

(Girls) your b/f has hair you love. He comes to school the next day with a shiny head. What do you HONESTLY think? Whatever.

What’s your idea of a perfect date? There is no way to answer this without being cheesy. You know there's not. But I will anyway. Wake up early and hike somewhere picturesque to watch the sunrise. Then go eat breakfast/brunch at a diner. Something random that even I can't think of in the afternoon. Concert in the early evening, then walk around downtown or by a river or somewhere else walk-able. Then dancing. Then more walking, but not too much because by then my feet will be exhausted.

Say you saw a really hot guy/girl at school one day and you had no idea who he was, would you talk to him/her? This quiz is painful.

What would you say to "break the ice"? Um, hello?

Have you or would you ever do anything more than kiss in a public area? *giggle* Gross. No.

Who’s your best friend? I'm not good at picking favorites.

At one point in a girl/guy friendship will one them them like each other even if it's only for a little bit. True or false? That sentence hurts my brain. But if I read it right, probably true.

If someone said you were hot, what would you think? Sweet!

(Girls) what's something about guys you don't get? Why???? And that is my response to...okay, let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. A few weeks back I was talking with a few other girls and we were lamenting the "It's not you, it's me." speech, and how much we hate being told how wonderful we are...while we're being broken up with. Because...if we're so wonderful, really, then why are you leaving? That is what I don't get.

What's one look trait that attracts you to a guy/girl? Dark hair. And I should find a way to incorporate the phrase "look trait" into my everyday speech.

What's one personality trait that attracts you to a guy/girl? Being able to embrace my imperfections.

Which guy/girl do you wish to be with RIGHT now? If by with you just mean physically near, then my 2 year old son.

Is it right to flirt if you have a b/f-g/f? You can still talk to people. Otherwise life would be ridiculous.

Would you rather go ballroom dancing or square dancing? Square dancing? No thanks. I'll take the ballroom.

Ever experience unconditional love? Yes, toddlers are great about dishing that out.

What's your opinion on love? It's a nice myth.

This or That
Vanilla Ice THEN, or Vanilla Ice NOW? Neither? Although a vanilla snow cone might be good. That's worth a try.

Silver or Gold? Gold

Zebras or Leopards? Zebras

Zebra skin coats or leopard skin pants? We're not talking real skin here, right? And leopard skin pants.

Are candles romantic or a fire hazard? Yes

Letter or E-Mail? Email

Buttons or Boxes? What? Um. Boxes.

Florida or California? California

Would you rather eat sandwiches or pasta for the rest of your life? This truly depends on the type of sandwich and/or pasta in question. But pasta is the safer bet.

Would you rather be married in Venice, Italy, or Honolulu, Hawaii? Venice!

Waffles or Pancakes? Waffles. Always waffles.

Football or Rugby? Um, rugby? No, football. Go Broncos!

Hat or Visor? Hat. Visors are so 15 years ago. Then again, so is this quiz.

Ice Skating or Rollerblading? Ice skating

Pizza or Burgers? Pizza!!!!!

Do you stay in bed thinking or do you fall asleep in 5 seconds? It usually takes me a while to fall asleep

Would you rather go to a boarding school, private school, or an all girls/guys school? I'd rather be an adult.

Calk or Crayons? Is that supposed to say chalk?

Coffee, Tea, or Me? You!

Sun or Moon? Moon, if only because Riley loves the moon.

Raining Days or Sunny Days? Sunny day

Glass Half Empty or Half Full? Glass soon to be drained

Winter or Summer? Summer

Autumn or Spring? Autumn

Dog or Cat or Fish? Meow

Pool or Hot Tub? Hot tub

Shower or Bath? Depends

Snail Mail or E-Mail? I'm pretty sure we've covered this.

Phone or Letter? Phone, of course

White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate? Dark chocolate

Cake or Ice Cream? Chocolate ice cream

Other
Which do you think would have the most interesting outcome after interbreeding- Llamas and pandas OR ostriches and prairie dogs? Wow. Ostriches and prairie dogs would be more interesting, but I'm pretty intrigued about the llama/panda combo. This is hands down the best question so far.

If you believe in reincarnation, what would you come back as in your next life? Something that can go after birds.

What is your lucky number and why? 13 and that's classified information

How many CD’s do you own? People own CDs? Probably 50ish.

What would your perfect day consist of? That date I described earlier, only add in Riley for the hike, breakfast, and afternoon. Maybe the concert, too. If it was an Aquabats concert he could race up the crowd.

Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone on line? That's really not necessary. All you have to say is that you have to go, and if they're going to be pushy about that, why are you still talking to them?

Have you ever written a survey? One of these things? It's possible.

How about a song? If so share it-I'll just direct you to my YouTube channel. Just. Kidding.

Or maybe a poem? If so share it or one of them- Yes. I have a few scattered on this blog. I'm not going to copy/paste one here.

Do you read your horoscope? Nope

If so, do you base your day on it? n/a

What is the best present you've ever given someone else? Um...good question.

What is the best present someone else has ever given to you? :)

Do you like having your picture taken? Somewhat

Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non? Riley and I did last weekend. It was awesome! I'm so excited to get our family pictures back.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why? Venice, Italy. Because I have wanted to for as long as I can remember. I think it's the gondolas that intrigue me.

Who would you take with you on this little adventure? Well, if I go solo I can flirt with all the cute Italian guys.

What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime? Sky diving?

Would you ever do that? Doubtful

Have you ever done crossword puzzles? Not the big complicated ones.

Ever actually completed one? ...

Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it? "They weren't just beaten to death, they were smashed like bugs!" Ew. Thanks, Dean Koontz.

Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? Yeah

Would you put up posters in your room? No

Can you sing? Yes. Can I sing well? Debatable.

Ever been in an airplane? A few times.

If so where were you flying to? Baltimore, Boise, San Antonio, Boise, Los Angeles, Boise, San Antonio, Boise

How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? More than I did in my last lifetime

Name one person your life is made better by? Riley

If you could only talk to one person online who would that be? I don't really do that much talking online anymore. Facebook took over.

What famous person dead or alive would you interview if you had the chance? What about fictional characters? Because then I'd pick Severus Snape.

Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors? The Princess Bride

Name one of your passions in life? Good grammar

Write one sentence stating what you want people to say about you after you've passed on? Good riddance.

How fast can you run? Not very

What one thing would you change in your life if you had the power to do so? I would have applied to Harvard/Yale/etc just to see if I could have gotten in.

Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it. I've always thought invisibility. But, really, the only advantage to that one is to gain info you didn't have before, and that's a big stalkerish, no? Plus being invisible doesn't make you silent, so it's not that useful anyway.

When you’re talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? Ew. Well, rarely.

Ever seriously questioned your sanity? hahaha...

What is the strangest thing you've ever done? Expelled a living, screaming human being from my body

What is the worst thing anyone could ever do to you? Hurt people I love

Are you a fast typer? Yeah

Ever been to a farm? Yeah

Tell me about your dream last night. Or not

Ever seen a shooting star? Yes. And then after crossing a magical wall to find the start, it turns out it was a girl. And then we got stuck in the clouds and rode a pirate ship captained by Robert De Niro.

Have you ever written anything on your skin? Maybe once or twice as a kid. But generally that grosses me out.

If so what? I don't remember.

Describe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. My parents let Riley and I live with them. That's awfully nice.

Ever looked directly at the sun? No. Never. I would never dream of committing such an atrocity.

Who do you miss? Tracy. My Grandma Horne. Both my grandpas. A few friends I've lost touch with.

Name something you just can't forget no matter how hard you try. I find that if you try hard enough you can forget nearly anything.

If you woke up one morning and found out you were going to stay in the body you have now for the rest of your life, what would you think? Is there any other option? I kinda figured I'd have this same body for the rest of my life. But if you're asking how I'd feel about looking the same for the rest of my life and that means I still get a good 60-70 years. Well, that would be weird to look like this when I'm 80 and I'll miss my natural hair color; but otherwise I'm good with it.

What’s something someone's done to make you hold a grudge against him or her? Eh, I'm too chill to hold a grudge. Or too classy to blog about it. Or too lazy to think back.

There's a high school that'll be on a cruise ship and you have the opportunity to go. It's your last year at school. Do you go for it? Will Zack and Cody be there?

Who do you want to take with you to the prom? Um...

Wouldn’t you just love to hug someone right now? This quiz is cruel.

Who do you wish you could kiss? My little boy on the top of his head. But not when I'm wearing lip gloss. That's just sticky.

Wanna live in a castle? Too drafty

Do you talk to yourself? Yes. Sometimes in a British accent. I blame Hayley Mills. (I figure if you've made it this far into the blog you might as well get that tidbit of useless Amanda info.)

Ever gone to the mall/movies just to hang out? As in just hang out in the lobby and not watch a movie? No. As far as the mall thing, kinda. It's fun to walk around and look even if you don't buy anything.

Write the first thing that pops into your head: Poop (Don't look at me that way. I'm potty training a toddler.)

What’s the funest trip you've been on? You forgot an N.

Would you really stand up and walk out on me? Never on you, quiz. Never on you.

What's the most embarrassing thing you have ever done? Ever? Hmm. One time in high school I meant to say that I'd gone to a lot of sleepovers that summer, but instead I said that I slept around all summer. Ironically, as an adult if I were to say that it would mean the same thing.

Do you believe in God? Yes

How many e-mail addresses do you own? 3

Would you ever go to the shops in your pj's? The shops? hahahahaha. And yes.

What are three things you wish for? Money. Love. Laser hair removal.

If you won a million dollars but were forbidden to spend it on yourself on anything frivolous, how would you spend it? Does this mean I can spend it on myself as long as it's not frivolous? Because I'd buy a house, and pay off my car and student loan. Then I'd put money into savings for Riley and savings for myself. And then live off of it for several years so I could stay home with him and not work, or only work part time. And that's not frivolous at all.

If you could have could have anything or anyone for just one day, what/who would it be and why? Who/what means the most to you in your life? That is a super complicated question. Actually, that's multiple questions. Free pass.

Who do you think plays the most significant role in your life? Me. I'm the only one who can make my decisions. But Riley is a pretty close second.

4:09 pm. *phew* That was...something else. No wonder I don't do these things anymore.

Chapter One

2011-11-02T21:04:00.001-06:00

Six months ago I was laying on an air mattress in San Antonio, Texas, counting how many breakups I'd had in my life. I think I counted 22. And then, because I like thinking about painful things when I should be sleeping, I counted how many times I'd been dumped and/or experienced distinct emotional rejection. I don't remember that number, either, but I think it was 35ish.

So I've been through breakups. I almost started posting a bunch of cliche metaphors to drive that point home, but I'll spare you all. Point is, I know what that feels like. I do.

So why does this time feel like chapter one?

I've been mentally composing this blog for a few weeks, and I think I finally came to the conclusion that this feels new because of a certain 2-year-old boy. Most of my dating happened before he entered the picture. And while this isn't the only time I've dated since then, this is the only time I've walked in the door the next day after work and had my sweet little boy ask where his buddy was.

It hurt. But not as much as I had thought it would.

I have this overactive imagination that likes to picture all kinds of things, both good and bad. So after the relationship ended but before I saw my son I had already pictured him asking me something like this. So instead of thinking "Oh. Stab. Pain." I thought "Huh. That was faster than I expected."

At this point, half of my 7 readers are thinking, "But...wait. Didn't I see you with him the other day?" Yes. Yes, you did. We're still cool with each other. Things are just different now. (Okay, clarification over.)

So back to this being chapter one. Yeah, that's what it feels like. The first significant relationship of my single mom days turned upside down. And instead of feeling like an old pro, I find myself wondering how many times I am going to have to do this. I don't know how many chapters are in this book. Maybe just this one. Maybe 3. Maybe 30. Please don't tell me it's 300 because I'll just stop now and go buy some cats.

I can do this. I can be strong for myself and my little boy. I can even live with having my heart broken from time to time. (Although if you'd told me that 4 weeks ago I may have shot laser beams from my eyes in your general direction.)

I am choosing to be strong these days. It seems like I have to decide that over and over because inevitably I slip back. But I'm much happier with Strong Manda than with Weeps All Over Her Ice Cream and Can't Get Out of Bed Manda. (Both of whom sound kinda like superheroes only the first one looks like Wonder Woman and the second one...doesn't.)

And on that note I'm going to go do some yoga. Okay, that's a lie. I'm going to stream Netflix on my Mac and eat a homemade baked apple. And then we'll see about the yoga.

PS: A week ago I went crazy and cut and dyed my own hair. Wanna see?

An announcement and a goal

2011-11-02T20:57:00.000-06:00

For the last couple of years I have tried to maintain 4 blogs. This blog, mostly filled with random thoughts; a private journal blog; a single parenting blog; and a family blog. Now I'm cutting it down to just this one and the private journal blog (that nobody but me gets to see). I'm not going to shut down the other two, but the topics that I would have posted there I'm just going to post here. This has always been the blog I've been more attached to, and chances are with the other two gone, this one is going to get a little more personal. And I mean that in a good way, as in the things I write might be interesting to read. Not in a mushy, crappily written novel sort of way.

The goal half of this post is that between now and the end of 2011 I am going to post in this blog at least 2 times a week. I'm a sporadic blogger. Sometimes I go a long time without thinking of a topic. Sometimes I half compose a blog in my head but lack the motivation and/or guts to post it. But I'm going to really try between now and the end of the year and we'll see how things go from there.

And, no, this doesn't count as one of my posts for this week. Too bad, too, since it's already Wednesday.

It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you

2011-10-25T14:18:00.000-06:00

Dashboard Confessional "Ender Will Save Us All"

It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.

Living

2011-10-18T00:55:00.000-06:00

I worry sometimes that I spend too much of my life just waiting around for life to happen. I look at myself as someone who is just holding her breath, someone who has a million things on the to-do list of my life that I'm just not doing yet. And I often feel that I started doing that when my son was born; I mean, we've been living here with my parents over 2 years now and I still don't feel completely settled. Like we never will be completely settled here because that would just be giving up or giving in or something.

And then I realized.

This is living. Something about parenthood brought me to life. I was (quite unfortunately) thinking back to my college days earlier tonight...and realizing how that seems like millenia ago. How back then I was floating along and wondering how life was going to turn out.

These days I don't spend a lot of time wondering how life is going to turn out. It is turning out. This is life. This is living. And I'm doing it. Sometimes I catch myself wasting time just sitting there on the internet as if that were far more entertaining than it actually is. But those moments aside, when I look back on the past 2 years, 4 months, 16 days, 8 hours and 22 minutes I see life.

And it's ironic, really. It's ironic how the moments of drudgery, diapers, bath time (oh, how I hate bath time), and "eat your breakfast NOW!!!" equate to living life. But they do. Those moments that made me feel like I was drowning look so very different in my rear view mirror. These are my defining moments.

Horcrux

2011-10-06T02:28:00.000-06:00

I tore out a part of my soul and gave it to you
For safekeeping
Never expecting you'd reject it
Now it's out there somewhere disembodied and homeless
I forgot the pain
But you helped me remember
Only this time I'm mourning the loss of something I've always suspected I wanted but had no idea how much until it was staring me
In the face
I was irrevocably changed that day
I let go and let you have the biggest piece given away to date
I know it wasn't planned
These things never are
But that doesn't erase the irony

Confessional potpourri

2011-09-24T23:04:00.000-06:00

I compulsively trim split ends with the scissors at my work desk. I realize that this can't be good for my hair in the long run, but I do it anyway.

I love 90s movies. The other day I caught a glimpse of Clueless on tv and it made me happy.

My son says the word "truck" with an f sound instead of a tr sound. I try not to let him see me giggle. Especially when he does this at church.

I wish my eyes were bigger and not so puffy.

And let's not even talk about my stomach.

I don't have any tattoos. I probably couldn't handle the pain, and there's the whole fact that my religion discourages it, but my biggest deterrence is just that I can't imagine anything that I'd want inked on my skin forever.

I feel similarly about bumper stickers.

I went to Google potpourri to make sure I was spelling it right, then realized that I could activate spell check (which apparently is two words) by typing it in the body of this post.

My computer has approximately one minute left of battery power, thereby condensing this post.

Lucky

2011-09-12T00:06:00.000-06:00

I'm in the middle of updating my resume but I had to stop and blog. I had to. For a girl who until a week ago hadn't written in months, this is...well, you'll see.

The last four years have been honestly hellish. I realize that part of, okay a decent chunk of, the blame falls to me. Not because I deserve(d) any of this, but because I blatantly made some choices that led me to those dark places.

Did I say last four years? Let's change that seven. The last seven years. They haven't been all bad and there are certainly some brilliantly bright spots. But. There have been times that were pretty bad. A lot of times that were pretty bad.

And then tonight...just a few minutes ago, actually...I was reading a friend's blog post. And I realized that I am incredibly lucky, and far more naive than I can comprehend, let alone admit.

Six and a half years ago, give or take a few months, I was engaged to be married. I'd like to say that I was ecstatic, but the truth is that there was just too much baggage to begin with. He ended things. Years later I realized what a wonderful stroke of mercy that was, for him to end something so damaging that I was clinging to so desperately. But at the time all I could see was betrayal. He'd taken my whole life away from me. I thought.

But the truth of the matter was, I didn't lose anything. I was thrust down a new path I didn't necessarily want to take, but my life as I knew it was not gone. It was only a hypothetical future that I lost. To this day I don't know what his motivations were, but they really don't matter. The relationship was killing me in every way conceivable, and it ended. Case closed.

So three years ago I peed on a stick and saw two pink lines. (I actually still have all five positive pregnancy tests. How gross is that?) I know I made choices that made it more likely for me to be a single parent. I know this. But, ultimately, I am doing this all alone because he chose not to be involved. Let's say that again. Because he chose not to be involved. I did not choose to be a single parent. I chose to be a parent, and I'm doing it alone because he's not here. And while I would never wish this upon my worst enemy I have to acknowledge that there are some so-called advantages.

There was pain in that situation, too. Obviously. In some ways the broken engagement was worse because I never saw it coming. I know it's cliche to say I felt like I was hit by a freight train, but I did. There were times that I was shocked to realize I could still breathe. Being single and pregnant was different. The loneliness and pain was suffocating but it was more of a slow burn. It lingered. Sometimes it still lingers when I look in Riley's blue eyes and know that he wouldn't recognize the person he inherited them from.

But as much as that hurt(s), I didn't lose anything. Well, a job that I loved because I chose to move back in with my parents, but a) that was the smartest thing I ever did and b) it's just a job. So once again I was thrust on a path I would not have consciously chosen thanks to the decisions (or lack thereof) of another person. My life was changed forever, but I didn't lose it. It's just...different. Sometimes a hard different.

Here I was thinking I know what pain is, what it's like to suffer or to survive. And I do. But I haven't had my whole world revoked without warning.

Someone very close to me recently told me how lucky I am to be my age and single and not ever have gone through a divorce. I thought this person must have no idea what it's like to be 27, single, female, and Mormon. But he was right. I read a friend's blog post that touched (just touched) on the pain from her divorce. Everything she'd ever wanted and/or depended on and/or never thought she'd lose. Gone.

I know it's not fair for me to say that I get it now, because of course I don't. I hope I never do. And it's easier for me to discount the pain I've felt over the last seven years because most of it is over now and I can see how I've risen from the ashes as a better phoenix. I mean person. Better person.

But tonight I am a little more grateful.

Mess in a dress can’t show up on time even if it would save my life

2011-09-08T12:27:00.000-06:00

Help. I do not have a punctual bone in my body. I was the little girl who was late to kindergarten. (Literally – the bus never showed up in our neighborhood that day.) My friends in high school were never alarmed if I showed up 15, 20, or 45 minutes late; they were shocked if I showed up on time. Or at least I suppose they probably would have been had that actually ever happened.

It’s not that I mean to be late. I know it’s considered rude. I know it’s inconveniencing other people. I assure you that I am filled with self-loathing every. single. time I show up late anywhere – even if it’s to something so big that no one else notices.

But I don’t know what to do. I set the alarm on my phone to go off 20 minutes before I have to leave for work, and every 5 minutes after that. I used to set all of my clocks ahead, but then I just didn’t know what time it WAS, so I stopped doing that. I just do not understand how other people do it. And apparently they do, since punctuality is assumed to be the standard thing to do. Some people even show up early to places. That baffles me. (One time – and one time only – in high school I came really early – read 5 or 10 minutes before the bell rang — and I was surprised to find all of my friends already there. Mind. Blown.)

I expect that in the event that this blog is actually read, that some of you will be tempted to give me advice on how to cure this ailment of mine. Go ahead. I’ve probably heard it all before. It probably won’t make any difference. But you can try if you want. I’ve been told that to be on time I “just have to do it.”

But…how?

And then...

2011-08-21T00:55:00.000-06:00

Something happened. Something magical? Maybe. I don't know yet. But something happened.

Magic

2011-06-09T00:44:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think I'm waiting for something magical to happen, but it never does. Here it is almost 1am, and I can't drag my butt into bed. I'm not satisfied. I want...something...to happen.

This blog post is starting to sound like a crazy person's rambling.

Seriously, though, I often find myself wasting time on the internet waiting for something magical to happen but it never does. Facebook is still the same. My email is still the same. Nothing new or magical. And why should there be? Why do I expect it?

I need sleep.

Vegetarian update

2011-05-26T00:13:00.000-06:00

I suck as a vegetarian. I know I said I’d still eat meat when other people offer it to me, but, man, sometimes dead animals are just more convenient. Do you know how hard it is to find something edible, filling, AND meat-free from a fast food joint? *sigh* I know. It’s not a decent excuse. I should stick to my guns, right? I do decently during the weekdays. That’s kinda my compromise with myself – vegetarian during the week when I’m just feeding Riley and myself, and carnivore food on the weekend when I tend to eat more with family.

In other news, kidney beans are delicious. I’ve been eating a lot of rice and beans lately. I don’t have any magically delicious recipes to post, unless you consider rice and beans shoved into a tortilla a recipe.

I’m not giving up on being mostly vegetarian. I just...I am realizing that it’s difficult to have total control over my eating habits when I share groceries and meals with four other people.

I wish dating was simpler

2011-05-26T00:10:00.000-06:00

I do. I wish that instead of all this wondering and hoopla, I could go up to a guy and say "Hi. I like you. Do you like me? No? Okay, I'll move on, then." or "Yes? Great. This is the part where you take me out on a date. You don't have to spend a lot of money on me. The point is to spend time together. I'm free this Saturday. Sound good?"

What happens in Texas stays...on the Internet?

2011-05-19T22:05:00.001-06:00

Surprise! I went to Texas at the end of last month. Tell you what – Texas is fun. I went jet skiing, sightseeing, country dancing, and ate way more meat than I ever want to again. Texans love their dead cows.

I arrived on a Thursday. And, yes, I puked on the plane.  For all the times I’ve thought I was going to do that and never have, I thought I’d get away this time as well. But no such luck. However, I did feel much better afterward.

Friday I went jet skiing for the very first time in my 27 years of life. So. Much. Fun. I fully admit to being a ‘fraidy cat, though, so someone with a more fully developed sense of adventure would probably have thought my jet ski ride was pretty mild. Sadly, the jet skiing did not get documented with pictures. It’s kinda hard to ride a jet ski and use a camera at the same time. Oh, well.

I remembered the Alamo. Saturday I went sightseeing and checked out Hemisfair Park, the Riverwalk, the Tower of the Americas, and the Alamo. I got to eat lunch at the top of the tower in a rotating restaurant. And I got Riley a coonskin cap from the Alamo.

Saturday afternoon I drove up to Austin and then went country dancing. Oh. My. I would strongly consider moving to Texas just to be able to go dancing to live country music every weekend. Next time, though, I’ll have to be sure and borrow Emma’s cowboy boots and sundress that she bought for her Taylor Swift costume last Halloween.

I was lazy Sunday morning. Got in some good conversation. Organized my suitcase. And then in the afternoon I went up to the San Antonio LDS temple grounds. I don’t know if I was actually supposed to be there, since most of the gates were locked. But one of them wasn’t, so I got in.

I was up late that night talking about everything under the moon. So when my alarm went off at 4:15 Monday morning I promptly told it to shut up. At 4:40 I finally made myself get up and throw clothes on. My flight left at 6 and I got to the airport about 5:15. And apparently airports are busy early on Monday mornings. Who knew? I checked my bag and waited in line for security in a line that would rival the one for Magic Mountain. Seriously. Miraculously I got through the line and to my gate before my plane took off. And then I fell back asleep before takeoff.

My new life plan, and why

2011-02-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have decided to go vegetarian. This is not a whim; I have actually been thinking about vegetarianism for over 10 years. Back in high school it was mostly because of my obsession with dieting and weight loss. But as an adult I have a couple other reasons:

First and foremost, I find it unnecessary to slaughter animals for meat when there are other sources of protein and iron easily available. I don't think it's morally wrong to eat meat--carnivores are everywhere in nature and it does suit our nutritional needs--I just don't think it's needed. I have no problem with hunters. I think if all of us had to hunt and skin our own food, instead of finding it neatly packaged and seasoned in the grocery store, that we would be eating a lot less meat, and appreciating it more.

Secondly, I'm just not all that wild about the taste of meat. Anything can taste good with enough garlic on it. But the flavor of plain beef, plain chicken, plain pork, etc., is actually kind of nasty to me. So if I'm going to flavor something, I might as well make it plant based.

I'm not going vegan. I am open to the possibility someday, but it seems unlikely. I also will still eat meat in meals prepared by other people. Throwing food away doesn't make the animal any less dead. But any meals that I prepare will be meatless. This is a little tricky for me, since I'm a single mom living with my parents. I don't expect my parents to become vegetarians. I also don't expect my son to eat vegetarian when he is eating a meal fixed by other people. But, again, any meals that I fix for him will be vegetarian.

I will still be taking fish oil capsules because I have like a million of them leftover from when I worked for a vitamin company. (I will also take a daily multi-vitamin to make sure I am getting enough iron and other nutrients.) I'm not going to scour ingredients on prepared foods to see if there is some trace of some animal-related byproduct. It has also occurred to me that I will probably be eating less fast food because I can't think of very many vegetarian fast food options. But that's okay, right?

So that's why I don't want dead animals in my food anymore.

Hit me with your best shot

2011-01-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

So…I haven’t blogged in a long time. I have some sort of writer’s block. And, still lacking a subject, I’m just going stream of consciousness here.

Um, okay, now I’m blank again.

So, I suppose this is me asking for suggestions. We’ll make it a contest, a contest where your only prize is that I will blog on the topic of your choice. I also reserve the right to select more than one winner if more than one person, well, a) actually responds to this, but b) if more than person actually gives me an entertaining enough topic to pique my interest.

Okay…go!

If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago

2010-08-25T00:23:00.000-06:00

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy

Gin Blossoms, Hey Jealousy

Ugly Chair

2010-05-11T19:04:00.000-06:00

I have the ugly chair at work. I love it. Nobody tries to steal my chair because all they can see are the ripped armrests and worn seat. They see that it's not new and shiny like everybody else's chairs.

Well, joke's on you, everyone else! This chair is amazing. It's way less uncomfy than the shiney new chairs with zero back support. Yeah, it looks like crap, and that's just fine with me because it means nobody will sit it in. Because I'd hate for someone else to realize how awesome this chair is.

Suckers.

For the love of penguins

2010-04-22T21:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Earth,

What is happening to you? Are you sick? Is it that whole ozone depletion thing that’s throwing all of your systems out of whack? Earthquakes in Haiti, Chili, Mexico, and China; volcano explosions in Iceland. I’m starting to wonder if it’s a mental breakdown you’re having, or a temper tantrum.

Let’s see…natural disaster in North America? Check. South America? Definite check. Europe? Check. Sounds like Africa and Australia are next. Or maybe Antarctica -- watch out, penguins!

So, Earth, what do I need to do to make you all happy again? Recycle more? Stop using aerosol hairspray? (*sigh* Yes, I know that makes the ozone layer mad at me, but my hair has never been happier. You’re saying I have to choose?)

I’ll do what I can to be nice to you. I do appreciate you, I promise. I much prefer living here over, say, living on the moon. Or Mercury; that whole hot/cold thing would wreak havoc on my Earth-based carbon life form.

Happy birthday Earth! I didn’t get you a present, so I hope you accept this letter as a somewhat decent substitute.

Sincerely,
Amanda

PS: Penguins really are cute. Please don’t earthquake Antarctica.

You picked what you picked, and you can't go back and change now, so shut up and live with it

2010-04-18T12:54:00.000-06:00

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost, 1915

The ones who create civilization

2010-04-15T23:43:00.000-06:00

The romantic hero is invariably one who is going through the adolescent phase of human life. The child phase…is the time of complete dependence on others to create our identity and our worldview. Little children gladly accept even the strangest stories that others tell them, because they lack either the context or the confidence to doubt. They go along because they don’t know how to be alone, either physically or intellectually.

Gradually, however, this dependency breaks down—and children catch the first glimmers of a world that is different from the one they thought they lived in, they break away the last vestiges of adult control themselves, much as a baby bird breaks free of the last fragments of the egg. The romantic hero is unconnected. He belongs to no community; he is wandering from place to place, doing good (as he sees it), but then moving on. This is the life of the adolescent, full of passion, intensity, magic, and infinite possibilities; but lacking responsibility, rarely expecting to have to stay and bear the consequences of error. Everything is played at twice the speed and twice the volume in the adolescent—the romantic—life….Who but the adolescent is free to have the adventures that most of us are looking for when we turn to storytellers to satisfy our hunger?...

Only when loneliness becomes unbearable do adolescents root themselves, or try to root themselves. It may or may not be in the community of their childhood, and it may or may not be their childhood identity and connections that they resume upon entering adulthood. And, in fact, many fail at adulthood and constantly reach backward for the freedom and passion of adolescence. But those who achieve it are the ones who create civilization.

Orson Scott Card
Greensboro, North Carolina
29 March 1991
Introduction, Speaker for the Dead (excerpt)

Riley and the Dragon

2010-03-27T02:37:00.000-06:00

Preface:
I wrote a storybook to give to my son for Christmas. Since it was fun to write and I don't think I did too awful of a job, I'm sharing it here. There are pictures, but a) it's too hard to include them all on the blog and b) I'm not sure that I have the copyright ability to publish them all on the Internet. Anyway, here's the book...

* * * * * * * *

Riley and the Dragon

Samuel the Dragon lived in a cave on the far edges of the land of Ibrak, He spent most days hunting for food on the green hills beside his cave. Like all dragons, Samuel had great eyesight and could see for miles. He could also smell for miles, which is why you don’t find many dragons near dairy farms.

But Samuel didn’t always like living in his cave. During the winter it was cold and there was not much food to hunt and sometimes Samuel went hungry. Samuel did not like going hungry.

And then there were the humans. Samuel was scared of humans. They thought Samuel was a horrible monster. But Samuel was a nice dragon. He tried to help others – both dragons and humans. Sometimes his help turned out badly. Like the one time during harvest season when he sneezed and accidentally burned down a cornfield.

One day in early summer, Samuel the Dragon was pacing back and forth in front of his cave. He saw a rider in the distance – a human on a horse. Now, some dragons would hide beside their cave human came close enough to blast with a single breath of fire. Samuel, on the other hand would just hide until they were gone.

But this rider was different. Samuel could see that this human was smaller, probably a child. Why would a human child be riding to my cave? The only time humans came here was if they were really, really lost. Or if they were hunting dragons.

But as the rider came closer, Samuel could see that it was a child. So Samuel did something he had never done before – he showed himself to the human. The human’s horse jumped, letting out a loud neigh as it dumped its rider to the ground.

Even though he was still a little scared, Samuel introduced himself to the human. “My…my name is Samuel. I’m…a dragon.”

The young human smiled and stuck out his hand. “Hello, Samuel. My name is Riley and this is my horse, Aurora. We’ve come to bring you to the castle.”

The castle? Samuel had seen the great castle in the city, but only from very far away. “But why does he want me?”

Riley smiled. “The king wants to have a dragon in his dungeon. He is too old to come get you himself, so he sent me.”

“What is the dungeon like?” asked Samuel.

“It’s just as big as that cave behind you,” Riley said, “with plenty of room for a dragon to fly. And you’ll always have plenty to eat, even in winter.”

Samuel the Dragon thought for a moment. It might be fun to live in the city. And it would certainly be nice to always have enough to eat. But what about all those humans?

“Will all of the other humans be afraid of me,” Samuel asked Riley, “or will they know I’m a good dragon?”

Riley thought about that. “They will probably be afraid of you at first. Most people do think dragons are bad. But if you show them how nice you are, they will stop being afraid. Except for strangers, of course. But that’s why the king needs you anyway – to keep his enemies in line. Seems every king has a dragon nowadays.”

So Samuel followed Riley and Aurora into the city. Samuel noticed that they did not see very many humans on the journey.

“Where did everyone go?” he asked Riley.

“I think they’re hiding in their homes,” Riley answered. “Since you’re a dragon and all.”

“Why weren’t you afraid of me, Riley?” asked Samuel.

“Oh, I was terrified,” said Riley. “But I pretended not to be afraid so you wouldn’t know. And now that I know you, you’re not scary at all. You really are a good dragon!”
Samuel thought that was a very good idea. As they passed more villages on the way to the castle, Samuel told himself he wasn’t afraid of all the humans. After a while, it even worked

After two days, Samuel and Riley arrived at the city. Samuel could see the castle in middle of the city. It was so tall! Samuel stopped walking. Suddenly, knowing there were so many humans in the city made them all seem scary again.

Riley turned around. “Aren’t you coming?”

Samuel shook his head. “What if I don’t like the castle? What if it’s boring? What if everyone always stays afraid of me? What if I’m afraid of them? What if the food doesn’t taste good?”

Riley laughed. “Then I guess you’ll just have to walk back all by yourself and live in your cold lonely cave forever.”

Samuel sighed. “I do want to see the inside of the castle.” Samuel stood up tall. “Okay, Riley, let’s go in!”

The king himself was waiting at the gates to meet Samuel. “Welcome, dragon! We hope you enjoy your stay here with us at the castle. My men will show you to your new quarters.”

The king’s servants led Samuel to the castle dungeon. Just like Riley said, it was a roomy dungeon, with plenty of space for a dragon to fly around and a large straw pile for a bed. And best of all was a large meal set out just for Samuel. Food!

From then on, Samuel the Dragon enjoyed his life at the castle. He always had plenty to eat and a warm, comfortable bed. When he was bored, the king let him swim in the castle moat or spend an afternoon flying over the whole kingdom.

Riley didn’t forget Samuel. He came to visit him often, and sometimes he would go with Samuel and ride on his back as they flew over fields and lakes. Samuel was grateful that the king had sent Riley to find him and bring him here to the castle where he made his new home. And best of all, Samuel the Dragon had made a real friend.

The end.

December 25, 2009

2010-03-16T00:00:00.000-06:00

Anomaly

2010-03-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

I do not make sense. I feel like I am a million things at once, but not really any of them at all. I’m an adult but still my parents’ child; I’m a college graduate who works in a call center; I’m single but I’m a mom.

And that last one right there is the kicker. I am a single mom. Other single people are worrying about school or dates and I’m trying to figure out how to pay for diapers, and how to be around to be the one who changes them.

For the most part, I feel like I can relate to other moms…until they start talking about their husbands. And then I just feel like a lost little girl again. I always thought I’d get married when I grew up but here I am now all grown up and that marriage thing still hasn’t happened. It’s like a foreign concept to me. A foreign concept that always will be foreign because I’m almost four years older than the average age for a woman in Idaho to get married.

I know I sound kinda whiny, and I’d like to say that’s not intentional, but this is a vent, after all. I know I made decisions that led to this point in my life. But knowing that doesn’t make things any easier. If anything it just makes it harder to know that I brought this on myself. I feel guilty no matter what I do. When I wasn’t working full time I felt guilty because my parents were so willing to help me and Riley. And now that I have found a job I feel so awful leaving my baby boy every day. I miss him insanely and I wish things were different. But they aren’t different. This is my life.

Maybe when work slows down I’ll stop feeling like there is a dark cloud of insanity hanging over my head. I’m required to work overtime, which as one of my coworkers said, is good for the pocketbook but not for the soul.

So back to me not making sense. I know I’m not alone and that there are other single moms on the planet. Lots and lots of us. But when Riley wakes up at 4am and it’s just he and I walking the bedroom floor for an hour, I feel all alone. That’s when I wonder what in the world I have gotten myself into, and if things will ever get better.

2010-01-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

"Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring—when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children—black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
Dr. Martin King Luther, Jr.

Because I'm tired of stripper songs

2009-11-13T23:28:00.001-07:00

The other day my mom and I were in the car, and I said that her generation had better music than mine. She agreed. For some reason, half of the music execs these days seem to think it's okay to sell the same song over and over. The same two-and-a-half notes.

And the same shallow lyrics.

I am tired of stripper songs. By stripper songs, I mean the songs that go something like this: I went to a bar and/or club // I got high and/or drunk // I saw this [derogatory female pronoun] there // [Explicit description of said female's hotness] // I wanted to do things with/to her that are inappropriate for young children to hear even though this song will be played on the radio during daytime hours // I couldn't stop thinking about this girl, even though in real life we all know I would have moved on to the next one by the time this song was done playing because I only view women as objects // Chorus, bridge, repeat.

First of all, let me just say that this is sounding a lot more feminist than I was intending. All moral arguments aside, I find these songs annoying simply because they are a waste of space. They have no depth. They aren't even aspiring to have depth. Music is a form of art, and, well, this is not art.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but music used to mean something. Music used to be an artist pouring a part of his soul into something that would enrich the lives of those who heard it. This also holds true for lyrical ballads and poetry. Lyrical music should then be even more powerful because it combines those two media. And sometimes it is. Some music out there is moving and powerful and breathtakingly beautiful. So to write something that is so much less is just backward. It's an insult to both Beethoven and Keats.

And for the record, don't think that this only applies to male recording artists. There are plenty of women out there who sing about objectifying men.

In conclusion, I think I'm done with my rant now. You can put the earbuds back in and go back to listening to Lady Gaga and Flo Rida. Or not.

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

2009-10-24T01:09:00.000-06:00

I'm in a chick flick mood tonight and it's all Billy Idol's fault.

Earlier today The Wedding Singer was on TV, so now I have two things stuck in my head: the speech where Billy says "and because we let our first-class passengers do...pretty much whatever they want" and the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore while her fiance gets locked into an airplane bathroom.

So that, in turn, is A) making me sappy and B) making me want to watch Ever After again, since that's what my old roommate and I would do whenever one (or both) of us was in a sappy mood. Or maybe Penelope, since we both agreed that movie was awesome. (But again -- chick flick.) Oh, and it C) makes me want to talk with a British accent.

I totally was not intending to start off my blog on this note. I was going to write something witty and relevant. Oh well. I think it's time to stop writing now before I become even more saccharine. Plus it's late.

Blog out.